A hero that has let you down.
This is a tough one. So tough in fact, that it has taken me eleven and a half weeks to come up with an answer.... I don't have a hero. I'm not sure that I really ever had one. I've been thinking about it, and I honestly can't come up with anything. For my entire life, I have been an optimist, but I've always strived to look at things and situations realistically. Anytime I ever got my hopes up about anything as a child, they were crushed, and that has caused me to have low expectations of other people. I actually anticipate being let down. I wish that that wasn't true, but it is. What am I supposed to do?
Thursday, June 2
Monday, February 14
Thirty days of truth -- Day thirteen.
A band or artist that has gotten you through a tough time.
Just so we're clear, yes.... I do know that the following post makes me a loser! :^) In 2007 I graduated from nursing school and everything was going as planned in my life. I got a job as a great hospital, I moved to a new city by myself where I didn't know many people, and I moved into a brand spankin' new condo. After a couple of months of training as a nurse, it was time to take my NCLEX (nursing licensure exam). Unfortunately I had failed it, and my life started to unravel. I lost my job as a result, and I depleted my savings account trying to pay for the brand new condo and other bills while I was unemployed and trying to find work in a bad economy.. I kept trying to pas that stupid exam, but after three failed attempts I decided that I was done with nursing and went back to school to become a teacher. No point sitting around to rot while I was trying to get a grip on my life, right?
So in the fall of 2008, I went back to school. I was a straight A student, as usual, but I wasn't enjoying school and I found out that I didn't really want to be a gym teacher. Sure I love fitness and I love teaching, but not for the rest of my life.. I decided that I was going to finish up the year and then try again to become a nurse because the only thing standing between me and my original goal was the test. I studied my butt off and I took a week long review class to refresh (the Hurst review). Two years out of school and out of the hospital, I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me to be able to pass that thing. I did the live review twice in two different cities, and then I did their online review five times. I was determined, and I had a plan.
Of course I had moments where I doubted myself. Would I be able to do it? Was this too ambitious after being away for so long? Did other people believe in me? I wasn't sure about any of those things, but this was what I wanted. While I was at those review classes, I felt alive again. I loved nursing school and I loved being in the hospital. I felt like I was back in the game and I was focused. Hearing and talking about nursing was great! It helped me prepare and it gave me hope.
To keep on subject, let's talk about the song that helped me through it. As embarrassing as it is, the artist that helped my through this tough time was Miley Cyrus. Yep, go ahead and start laughing.... I don't like her shows and most of the time I think her voice is annoying, but when I would hear her song "The Climb" on the radio, I felt like the words were coming from me. That is how I felt and those were my thoughts! Every time I heard that song I had renewed fear about the future, but also renewed determination.
I still love this song, and I always sing along (unless someone is with me!). Here are the lyrics in case you've never heard it. =)
Just so we're clear, yes.... I do know that the following post makes me a loser! :^) In 2007 I graduated from nursing school and everything was going as planned in my life. I got a job as a great hospital, I moved to a new city by myself where I didn't know many people, and I moved into a brand spankin' new condo. After a couple of months of training as a nurse, it was time to take my NCLEX (nursing licensure exam). Unfortunately I had failed it, and my life started to unravel. I lost my job as a result, and I depleted my savings account trying to pay for the brand new condo and other bills while I was unemployed and trying to find work in a bad economy.. I kept trying to pas that stupid exam, but after three failed attempts I decided that I was done with nursing and went back to school to become a teacher. No point sitting around to rot while I was trying to get a grip on my life, right?
So in the fall of 2008, I went back to school. I was a straight A student, as usual, but I wasn't enjoying school and I found out that I didn't really want to be a gym teacher. Sure I love fitness and I love teaching, but not for the rest of my life.. I decided that I was going to finish up the year and then try again to become a nurse because the only thing standing between me and my original goal was the test. I studied my butt off and I took a week long review class to refresh (the Hurst review). Two years out of school and out of the hospital, I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me to be able to pass that thing. I did the live review twice in two different cities, and then I did their online review five times. I was determined, and I had a plan.
Of course I had moments where I doubted myself. Would I be able to do it? Was this too ambitious after being away for so long? Did other people believe in me? I wasn't sure about any of those things, but this was what I wanted. While I was at those review classes, I felt alive again. I loved nursing school and I loved being in the hospital. I felt like I was back in the game and I was focused. Hearing and talking about nursing was great! It helped me prepare and it gave me hope.
To keep on subject, let's talk about the song that helped me through it. As embarrassing as it is, the artist that helped my through this tough time was Miley Cyrus. Yep, go ahead and start laughing.... I don't like her shows and most of the time I think her voice is annoying, but when I would hear her song "The Climb" on the radio, I felt like the words were coming from me. That is how I felt and those were my thoughts! Every time I heard that song I had renewed fear about the future, but also renewed determination.
I still love this song, and I always sing along (unless someone is with me!). Here are the lyrics in case you've never heard it. =)
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"
Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on
'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa
Thirty days of truth -- Day twelve.
Something you never get compliments on.
I am a people pleaser. When someone asks me to do something, I do it because I feel obligated. I mean, who asks people to do stuff if they don't actually want them to do it? That is crazy. I usually put my needs and feelings last so that I can make someone happy, but sometimes it seems like no one notices, and I very rarely get complimented on my willingness to do whatever it takes to get the job done or to keep people content.
When people come over, I make sure I have everything on hand that they could possibly want or need, and if I don't have it, I am really at the drop of a hat to go get it.. I want my friends to be comfortable when they come visit so that they will come visit again. When I'm hanging out with someone and we are trying to figure out what to do, I ask them first, because I want them to be happy. If they make no suggestion, I make mine. If they don't like mine, I will continue to offer suggestions until they find something that does appeal to them, even if I don't want to do it. I'm always going out of my way and doing things I don't want to do.
Part of me thinks that everyone should put others first. The golden rule, anyone? I treat others the way I want to be treated, even if I'm not treated nicely in return. Maybe this makes me an idiot. A lot of people take advantage of me, and I usually let them. I am good at confrontation, but I don't enjoy it. I don't like to make people feel bad, but at the same time, I don't want to be treated like dirt just because they know I'll do whatever is asked of me...
I guess I'm not sure why I don't get complimented on my willingness to ask "how high?" when people ask or tell me to jump. It's a strength and a weakness of mine, but I'm still trying to figure out which category to throw it in. Yes, I'm a team player and I'll pick up any shift that needs filling. Yes, I will do the dirty work because you're too lazy to do it yourself.... Hmmmm... Good and bad for sure.
I've never been very good at saying no. I have this voice in the back of my head that says "if you say no, no one will like you." That's sick, but it's the truth. So there you go..... I never get complimented on letting people treat me like a doormat. I never get complimented on my willingness to take charge and get things under control. I almost never get complimented on putting the needs of others ahead of my own.
I am a people pleaser. When someone asks me to do something, I do it because I feel obligated. I mean, who asks people to do stuff if they don't actually want them to do it? That is crazy. I usually put my needs and feelings last so that I can make someone happy, but sometimes it seems like no one notices, and I very rarely get complimented on my willingness to do whatever it takes to get the job done or to keep people content.
When people come over, I make sure I have everything on hand that they could possibly want or need, and if I don't have it, I am really at the drop of a hat to go get it.. I want my friends to be comfortable when they come visit so that they will come visit again. When I'm hanging out with someone and we are trying to figure out what to do, I ask them first, because I want them to be happy. If they make no suggestion, I make mine. If they don't like mine, I will continue to offer suggestions until they find something that does appeal to them, even if I don't want to do it. I'm always going out of my way and doing things I don't want to do.
Part of me thinks that everyone should put others first. The golden rule, anyone? I treat others the way I want to be treated, even if I'm not treated nicely in return. Maybe this makes me an idiot. A lot of people take advantage of me, and I usually let them. I am good at confrontation, but I don't enjoy it. I don't like to make people feel bad, but at the same time, I don't want to be treated like dirt just because they know I'll do whatever is asked of me...
I guess I'm not sure why I don't get complimented on my willingness to ask "how high?" when people ask or tell me to jump. It's a strength and a weakness of mine, but I'm still trying to figure out which category to throw it in. Yes, I'm a team player and I'll pick up any shift that needs filling. Yes, I will do the dirty work because you're too lazy to do it yourself.... Hmmmm... Good and bad for sure.
I've never been very good at saying no. I have this voice in the back of my head that says "if you say no, no one will like you." That's sick, but it's the truth. So there you go..... I never get complimented on letting people treat me like a doormat. I never get complimented on my willingness to take charge and get things under control. I almost never get complimented on putting the needs of others ahead of my own.
Thirty days of truth -- Day eleven.
Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
My attitude. I don't get upset easily, I handle stress well and I tend to look at situations objectively. When I share a little glimpse into my past with people who know me, they are almost always shocked, and the common response is "I had no idea, you're so positive," or something along those lines. I know that I'm well adjusted. I know that dwelling on the past and the horrible things that have happened to me isn't going to get me anywhere. I'm a go-getter and I want success more than I want anything else. I have to look forward if I plan to get ahead in life...
When I'm overwhelmed and I get another obstacle thrown in my way, I usually think "this is temporary" and I get myself through it. There is no point in getting upset about things that aren't going to matter one hour, one day or one month from now. It's definitely not worth it to get mad or go ballistic about the things that I cannot control. Is getting another patient at work when I'm swamped really worth getting upset about? Is it going to impact my life? No. It might make things completely crazy, but it's not a big deal. It's going to be ok. I just need to do my job.
When I'm running late and I run into traffic, am I going to get there faster if I throw a fit? No. When someone is yelling at me about something I did (or didn't do), are they going to calm down and go away if I yell back? No. Things are a lot smoother when you aren't upset and don't let people get to you. People are dumb.. Just let them get their frustration out and move on. Why should I get upset just because they are upset? Maybe I am one of few that can sit quietly while someone is screaming at me and keep my cool, but I'm good with that. I know that letting them get under my skin isn't going to change anything and it's certainly not going to fix the thing they are screaming about.
Life is better when you have a positive attitude and can laugh about the little things. Everybody just needs to calm down, because this too shall pass. =)
My attitude. I don't get upset easily, I handle stress well and I tend to look at situations objectively. When I share a little glimpse into my past with people who know me, they are almost always shocked, and the common response is "I had no idea, you're so positive," or something along those lines. I know that I'm well adjusted. I know that dwelling on the past and the horrible things that have happened to me isn't going to get me anywhere. I'm a go-getter and I want success more than I want anything else. I have to look forward if I plan to get ahead in life...
When I'm overwhelmed and I get another obstacle thrown in my way, I usually think "this is temporary" and I get myself through it. There is no point in getting upset about things that aren't going to matter one hour, one day or one month from now. It's definitely not worth it to get mad or go ballistic about the things that I cannot control. Is getting another patient at work when I'm swamped really worth getting upset about? Is it going to impact my life? No. It might make things completely crazy, but it's not a big deal. It's going to be ok. I just need to do my job.
When I'm running late and I run into traffic, am I going to get there faster if I throw a fit? No. When someone is yelling at me about something I did (or didn't do), are they going to calm down and go away if I yell back? No. Things are a lot smoother when you aren't upset and don't let people get to you. People are dumb.. Just let them get their frustration out and move on. Why should I get upset just because they are upset? Maybe I am one of few that can sit quietly while someone is screaming at me and keep my cool, but I'm good with that. I know that letting them get under my skin isn't going to change anything and it's certainly not going to fix the thing they are screaming about.
Life is better when you have a positive attitude and can laugh about the little things. Everybody just needs to calm down, because this too shall pass. =)
Friday, February 11
Thirty days of truth -- Day ten.
Someone you need to let go of or wish you didn't know.
I can't really think of anyone in my life right now that I want to let go of, but I wish I didn't know and had never met my biological father.. If you didn't read my post about "someone who has made your life hell or treated you like crap," this would be a good time to do so. I'm not about to rewrite all of that to make my point!
Herbie is a selfish, rude, manipulative drug user who finds temporary happiness in hurting other people. He's miserable and takes it out on anyone and everyone who will listen to him. I have no idea when this started, because it was before I was born. He made my childhood miserable and though I've learned to forgive him, I still wish I had never met him.
I lived with my dad until I was about seven years old, and kept in contact with him until I was ten. I know how he was at that time and how he dealt with stress. Nothing about him was polite or considerate. His business was thriving because he put himself first and prided himself on a job well done. I know that he prioritized work and money above family and quality time.
I don't know from personal experience (obviously), but I would imagine that people who don't know one of their parents or lost one at a young age (due to relocation or death) at least have the luxury of imagining their mom or dad however they want to imagine them. If I had never met or known my dad, I could image him to be humble, kind and giving. I could imagine him to choose family game night with his children over going to the bar for drinks with a friend. I could imagine him hugging my mother and showering her with love instead of seeing him hit her and hearing her screams.
If I had never known my dad, I could have experienced my childhood as other children did: visits to the park, afternoons playing in the yard with my friends, playing games with my siblings in the living areas of the house laughing loudly and having a great time. Instead, I spent my childhood sneaking myself and my brothers out the back door to have the neighbor call 9-1-1 and hiding in the bedroom with my brothers when my dad came home drunk so that he wouldn't have to see or hear us. He would yell at my mother to keep us quiet and out of sight. He didn't love us.
I let my dad go a long time ago, but there is still that daydream of a happier childhood that didn't involve him or his poisonous words and actions... A childhood of laughter instead of fear. The truth is that I knew my father. He was a bad man, but I knew him. I suppose that those who didn't get the chance to know their father would envy me that fact even if my experience was a negative one. So, who's the lucky one? Me for knowing my dad or someone else for having the ability to daydream about meeting their dad? I'll never know.
I can't really think of anyone in my life right now that I want to let go of, but I wish I didn't know and had never met my biological father.. If you didn't read my post about "someone who has made your life hell or treated you like crap," this would be a good time to do so. I'm not about to rewrite all of that to make my point!
Herbie is a selfish, rude, manipulative drug user who finds temporary happiness in hurting other people. He's miserable and takes it out on anyone and everyone who will listen to him. I have no idea when this started, because it was before I was born. He made my childhood miserable and though I've learned to forgive him, I still wish I had never met him.
I lived with my dad until I was about seven years old, and kept in contact with him until I was ten. I know how he was at that time and how he dealt with stress. Nothing about him was polite or considerate. His business was thriving because he put himself first and prided himself on a job well done. I know that he prioritized work and money above family and quality time.
I don't know from personal experience (obviously), but I would imagine that people who don't know one of their parents or lost one at a young age (due to relocation or death) at least have the luxury of imagining their mom or dad however they want to imagine them. If I had never met or known my dad, I could image him to be humble, kind and giving. I could imagine him to choose family game night with his children over going to the bar for drinks with a friend. I could imagine him hugging my mother and showering her with love instead of seeing him hit her and hearing her screams.
If I had never known my dad, I could have experienced my childhood as other children did: visits to the park, afternoons playing in the yard with my friends, playing games with my siblings in the living areas of the house laughing loudly and having a great time. Instead, I spent my childhood sneaking myself and my brothers out the back door to have the neighbor call 9-1-1 and hiding in the bedroom with my brothers when my dad came home drunk so that he wouldn't have to see or hear us. He would yell at my mother to keep us quiet and out of sight. He didn't love us.
I let my dad go a long time ago, but there is still that daydream of a happier childhood that didn't involve him or his poisonous words and actions... A childhood of laughter instead of fear. The truth is that I knew my father. He was a bad man, but I knew him. I suppose that those who didn't get the chance to know their father would envy me that fact even if my experience was a negative one. So, who's the lucky one? Me for knowing my dad or someone else for having the ability to daydream about meeting their dad? I'll never know.
Thursday, February 10
Thirty days of truth -- Day nine.
Someone you didn't want to let go of, but just drifted away.
It was actually hard for me to think of someone for this! I'm going to have to say my friend Tina. She's a really great person, but we never talk and I'm not really sure what happened. When I first moved into my last foster home (awkward sentence award!), I met Jenn and Tina, sisters who went to the church that my new parents went to. My foster mother (Pam) had warned their mom not to let them hang out with me because I was a "bad influence," but as it turned out, we met and were instant friends. The three of us were nearly inseparable, I spent a lot of nights at their house, and I alternated having them stay at my house. All day we were together and it was just a matter of who was staying the night where. It was sometimes hard to divvy up my time between sisters who were my best friends, but I think I made it work ok. I had a completely different relationship with each girl, but got along great with both of them.
The girls were home-schooled when I met them, but they soon transfered to the school I went to. That made it extra fun because I got to see them during the day and outside of school too. They transfered to the public school later on and Pam suspected that they were both doing drugs and having sex and God knows what else (Pam is intense, and tends to jump to conclusions and assume things without having all of the facts). Needless to say, she banned me from hanging out with either of "those girls." because now THEY were the bad influence..... It was ridiculous, like a lot of her other rules for me, but I obeyed because I was afraid of her. I lost touch with both of them, but never really rekindled the relationship with Tina. Jenn and I met again a couple of years later at a friend's soccer game, and BANG! Back to being BFFs and spending time together whenever possible.
Tina and I never really ran into each other after that.. We didn't have the same friends, and I didn't see her around town. I was in nursing school full time and I honestly didn't even think about looking her up. I found out later that she had moved to Grand Rapids, about four hours from where I lived. After nursing school, when I needed to take my boards to get my license, I had to go to Grand Rapids to take my test. Since I knew she lived there, I looked her up to see if I could stay with her. She said yes, I went and as soon as I got there, it was literally like no time had passed and we were able to pick our relationship up right where it had left off!! It was really great catching up and seeing how things were going in each other's lives.. I only stayed for one night, but we pledged to keep in touch and to not let it be five or six years before we saw each other again.
That was about four years ago and since then, I've seen her about five times. I saw her twice for exams, once for a seminar and her bachelorette party in the same trip, at her wedding, and once for a vacation in Michigan when my plane landed in Grand Rapids and I stayed the night. So five times in four years? Not such a good number, especially when you know that three of those times were back to back in a three month period. I don't like to use people, but it seems like every time I've seen her in the last ten years (other than her wedding) were because I had something going on in Grand Rapids and it was really convenient for me to stay with her. I love her a lot, but the friendship has basically of disintegrated over time.
I wish we were still close, but that's not the way it is. We never call, text or write and I'm not really sure what happened. I've never been good at keeping in touch, and maybe that's the case for her too. I've invited her to come visit whenever she wants to get away, but so far nothing has come of it. I feel bad that I seem to only see her when I have an ulterior motive, but the truth is that I'm trying to sneak in a visit to try and rekindle that relationship whenever I'm in the area. It's not about saving money... I could just as easily stay in a hotel.
I'm getting married soon, and I've invited her to stand in my wedding. Part of me feels obligated since I stood in hers, and part of me hopes it's a way to further try to rekindle this friendship. I miss hanging out with her, and every time we get together it's like no time has passed and we get along perfectly. I just wish there weren't a bazillion miles between us so that we could strengthen our bond, but this is all I can think of for now.
It was actually hard for me to think of someone for this! I'm going to have to say my friend Tina. She's a really great person, but we never talk and I'm not really sure what happened. When I first moved into my last foster home (awkward sentence award!), I met Jenn and Tina, sisters who went to the church that my new parents went to. My foster mother (Pam) had warned their mom not to let them hang out with me because I was a "bad influence," but as it turned out, we met and were instant friends. The three of us were nearly inseparable, I spent a lot of nights at their house, and I alternated having them stay at my house. All day we were together and it was just a matter of who was staying the night where. It was sometimes hard to divvy up my time between sisters who were my best friends, but I think I made it work ok. I had a completely different relationship with each girl, but got along great with both of them.
The girls were home-schooled when I met them, but they soon transfered to the school I went to. That made it extra fun because I got to see them during the day and outside of school too. They transfered to the public school later on and Pam suspected that they were both doing drugs and having sex and God knows what else (Pam is intense, and tends to jump to conclusions and assume things without having all of the facts). Needless to say, she banned me from hanging out with either of "those girls." because now THEY were the bad influence..... It was ridiculous, like a lot of her other rules for me, but I obeyed because I was afraid of her. I lost touch with both of them, but never really rekindled the relationship with Tina. Jenn and I met again a couple of years later at a friend's soccer game, and BANG! Back to being BFFs and spending time together whenever possible.
Tina and I never really ran into each other after that.. We didn't have the same friends, and I didn't see her around town. I was in nursing school full time and I honestly didn't even think about looking her up. I found out later that she had moved to Grand Rapids, about four hours from where I lived. After nursing school, when I needed to take my boards to get my license, I had to go to Grand Rapids to take my test. Since I knew she lived there, I looked her up to see if I could stay with her. She said yes, I went and as soon as I got there, it was literally like no time had passed and we were able to pick our relationship up right where it had left off!! It was really great catching up and seeing how things were going in each other's lives.. I only stayed for one night, but we pledged to keep in touch and to not let it be five or six years before we saw each other again.
That was about four years ago and since then, I've seen her about five times. I saw her twice for exams, once for a seminar and her bachelorette party in the same trip, at her wedding, and once for a vacation in Michigan when my plane landed in Grand Rapids and I stayed the night. So five times in four years? Not such a good number, especially when you know that three of those times were back to back in a three month period. I don't like to use people, but it seems like every time I've seen her in the last ten years (other than her wedding) were because I had something going on in Grand Rapids and it was really convenient for me to stay with her. I love her a lot, but the friendship has basically of disintegrated over time.
I wish we were still close, but that's not the way it is. We never call, text or write and I'm not really sure what happened. I've never been good at keeping in touch, and maybe that's the case for her too. I've invited her to come visit whenever she wants to get away, but so far nothing has come of it. I feel bad that I seem to only see her when I have an ulterior motive, but the truth is that I'm trying to sneak in a visit to try and rekindle that relationship whenever I'm in the area. It's not about saving money... I could just as easily stay in a hotel.
I'm getting married soon, and I've invited her to stand in my wedding. Part of me feels obligated since I stood in hers, and part of me hopes it's a way to further try to rekindle this friendship. I miss hanging out with her, and every time we get together it's like no time has passed and we get along perfectly. I just wish there weren't a bazillion miles between us so that we could strengthen our bond, but this is all I can think of for now.
Thirty days of truth -- Day eight.
Someone who made your life hell or treated you like crap.
This one is easy to answer: Herbert (Herbie), my biological father. He beat my mother on a regular basis, and the police were at our house all the time to break up domestic disturbances. They would always send more than one officer when they were called because he got into fights with them and was always threatening to kill people. Whether or not he would ever kill someone is questionable, but he sure did make a lot of threats! I would have to sneak out the back door when I was in elementary school, little brothers in tow to go to the neighbor's house and have her call 9-1-1. Luckily she was patient and always helped. She also hung one of my dad's business shirts in the window with a big circle around it with a slash through it... She hated him.
I was a daddy's girl and I always thought that the problems with my parents were my mom's fault. Like she drove him to hit her or that she just wanted to ruin our lives by taking us away from him. My dad never hit me or my brothers, and would sometimes take me to his job sites with him (he owned a company that built houses, decks and docks with occasional random construction jobs). When I was ten, I remember my mom coming to pick us up from our dad's house, and I didn't want to go home with her. She told me that my dad didn't even love us and that if I didn't believe her, that I could go back inside and ask him myself. I did, and my dad told me that his company was more important to him than my brothers or I were. From that moment on, I wanted nothing to do with him, and have only spoken to him a few times since (all for legal issues).
After we moved out for good, I found a drawer of letters that he had written to my mom. I snuck them to my room and read them all. What he wrote was awful, and I started to see him for who he really was. I'm so sorry that I treated my mom the way that I did, and regret not listening to her and looking at our situation more objectively and making my own opinions instead of idolizing my daddy.... His rights were ultimately revoked and he couldn't see my brothers or I for visitation until we were over eighteen and out of the foster care system. One of my brothers got back in contact with him, but I haven't and I don't think that my other brother did either.
After I was placed in foster care around age eleven, I used to think "maybe my dad will go to court and fight for me... Maybe he loves me and has cleaned up his act." I wanted to believe that he had changed, and to give him a second chance. Nothing had changed though, and he made no effort to regain rights.. Part of me wishes I could go back and start over with a different dad. I sometimes wish that I had been adopted by a happy family who cared about the welfare of others, with a father figure who loved me like I deserved to be loved. Oh well, we can't have everything, now can we?
A couple of years ago my grandfather, Herbie's dad, died and left EVERYTHING he owned to me. He cut his two living children and my three siblings out of the will. I'm still not 100% sure why he gave it all to me, but he did. A few years before that, my dad almost lost his home to foreclosure from unpaid bills and was in jail, so couldn't do anything about it. He "quick deeded" the house to my grandpa with the verbal understanding that once my dad was out of jail, he would pay my grandpa back and get his home and the contents back. Well.... My grandpa never got the money and never let my dad back in to get his stuff....
Before my grandfather died, he changed the house into MY name. So, I now owned my dad's old house (where I lived until I was like seven years old), the land and all of it's contents. I sold the contents at a garage sale and I sold the house. My dad called my lawyer threatening to kill me (how smart is that?!) and took me to court over it (he lost). I got a PPO against him with the recorded call to my lawyer as evidence of the death threats, and he took me to court to fight it (he lost again). Needless to say, he is still an angry illogical person who thinks the world revolves around him. He tries to make it seem like everyone is out to get him, but they aren't. He is mentally unstable (I read his report from a psychologist's examination) and can't be trusted. He still makes death threats. He still manipulates people. He still blames me for some of the things that are wrong with his life, when they aren't my fault at all.
The good news it that this experience has made me who I am. I think everything happens for a reason, but I haven't figured out yet why this happened to me. Maybe I never will. Either way, he treated me, my mother and my siblings like crap, and has made our lives a lot less pleasant than they could have been. He stole the majority of my oldest brother's trust fund as well. He really is a bad person, as harsh as that sounds.. I've forgiven him for all of the grief and trauma he has caused me, and I do wish him well. I wish that he would get over himself, stop using drugs, go to therapy and start over with his life -- move somewhere new, restart his construction business, and make a positive reputation for himself.
I think we could all use a little therapy, and sometime soon I may enroll myself for some. I have a lot of unresolved anger and sadness as a direct result of how he has affected my life. I've been trying to sort through all of the baggage for a long time, but maybe it's time for some professional help.. Someone who can guide the progress and help me to dig a little deeper to the root of the problem and find some peace and restoration.
This one is easy to answer: Herbert (Herbie), my biological father. He beat my mother on a regular basis, and the police were at our house all the time to break up domestic disturbances. They would always send more than one officer when they were called because he got into fights with them and was always threatening to kill people. Whether or not he would ever kill someone is questionable, but he sure did make a lot of threats! I would have to sneak out the back door when I was in elementary school, little brothers in tow to go to the neighbor's house and have her call 9-1-1. Luckily she was patient and always helped. She also hung one of my dad's business shirts in the window with a big circle around it with a slash through it... She hated him.
I was a daddy's girl and I always thought that the problems with my parents were my mom's fault. Like she drove him to hit her or that she just wanted to ruin our lives by taking us away from him. My dad never hit me or my brothers, and would sometimes take me to his job sites with him (he owned a company that built houses, decks and docks with occasional random construction jobs). When I was ten, I remember my mom coming to pick us up from our dad's house, and I didn't want to go home with her. She told me that my dad didn't even love us and that if I didn't believe her, that I could go back inside and ask him myself. I did, and my dad told me that his company was more important to him than my brothers or I were. From that moment on, I wanted nothing to do with him, and have only spoken to him a few times since (all for legal issues).
After we moved out for good, I found a drawer of letters that he had written to my mom. I snuck them to my room and read them all. What he wrote was awful, and I started to see him for who he really was. I'm so sorry that I treated my mom the way that I did, and regret not listening to her and looking at our situation more objectively and making my own opinions instead of idolizing my daddy.... His rights were ultimately revoked and he couldn't see my brothers or I for visitation until we were over eighteen and out of the foster care system. One of my brothers got back in contact with him, but I haven't and I don't think that my other brother did either.
After I was placed in foster care around age eleven, I used to think "maybe my dad will go to court and fight for me... Maybe he loves me and has cleaned up his act." I wanted to believe that he had changed, and to give him a second chance. Nothing had changed though, and he made no effort to regain rights.. Part of me wishes I could go back and start over with a different dad. I sometimes wish that I had been adopted by a happy family who cared about the welfare of others, with a father figure who loved me like I deserved to be loved. Oh well, we can't have everything, now can we?
A couple of years ago my grandfather, Herbie's dad, died and left EVERYTHING he owned to me. He cut his two living children and my three siblings out of the will. I'm still not 100% sure why he gave it all to me, but he did. A few years before that, my dad almost lost his home to foreclosure from unpaid bills and was in jail, so couldn't do anything about it. He "quick deeded" the house to my grandpa with the verbal understanding that once my dad was out of jail, he would pay my grandpa back and get his home and the contents back. Well.... My grandpa never got the money and never let my dad back in to get his stuff....
Before my grandfather died, he changed the house into MY name. So, I now owned my dad's old house (where I lived until I was like seven years old), the land and all of it's contents. I sold the contents at a garage sale and I sold the house. My dad called my lawyer threatening to kill me (how smart is that?!) and took me to court over it (he lost). I got a PPO against him with the recorded call to my lawyer as evidence of the death threats, and he took me to court to fight it (he lost again). Needless to say, he is still an angry illogical person who thinks the world revolves around him. He tries to make it seem like everyone is out to get him, but they aren't. He is mentally unstable (I read his report from a psychologist's examination) and can't be trusted. He still makes death threats. He still manipulates people. He still blames me for some of the things that are wrong with his life, when they aren't my fault at all.
The good news it that this experience has made me who I am. I think everything happens for a reason, but I haven't figured out yet why this happened to me. Maybe I never will. Either way, he treated me, my mother and my siblings like crap, and has made our lives a lot less pleasant than they could have been. He stole the majority of my oldest brother's trust fund as well. He really is a bad person, as harsh as that sounds.. I've forgiven him for all of the grief and trauma he has caused me, and I do wish him well. I wish that he would get over himself, stop using drugs, go to therapy and start over with his life -- move somewhere new, restart his construction business, and make a positive reputation for himself.
I think we could all use a little therapy, and sometime soon I may enroll myself for some. I have a lot of unresolved anger and sadness as a direct result of how he has affected my life. I've been trying to sort through all of the baggage for a long time, but maybe it's time for some professional help.. Someone who can guide the progress and help me to dig a little deeper to the root of the problem and find some peace and restoration.
Monday, February 7
Thirty days of truth -- Day seven.
Someone who has made your life worth living for.
My grandmother, Maryanne, was an exceptional woman. When I was growing up, I was able to roam around unsupervised and get myself into all sorts of trouble. I won't get into all of that, but I'll just say that there was no discipline in my life. I was on the fast track to jail or worse, and my grandmother was the only person who ever pushed me to do anything. At the time, I thought that she was mean for making me do things that I didn't want to do. She sent me to summer camps, enrolled me into music programs and lessons once she realized my musical talents, encouraged me to go to college, and was the only one who truly believed in me. She always told me that there was nothing I couldn't do, while other family members told me that I wouldn't amount to anything and wouldn't even graduate from high school.
Maryanne was one of three daughters born to Italian immigrants, Dino and Katie Prosello. She was the oldest, born in 1930. She was a teacher, she coached women's basketball and cheerleading, was head of the drama department, always encouraged others, and lived by example. She was involved in the her town's airport club, book club, bridge club, garden club and several others. She made sure that Boyne City was beautiful and that she contributed in any way that she could. She was an inspiration to many, and through all of the articles and family stories I've heard or read about her, I wish that I had gotten to know her better while she was still alive. She died in June 2003, and for me, it was one of the worst experiences of my life.
Maryanne taught me that there was so much more to life than I could ever imagine, and that just because my mother was single and struggling, I didn't have to end up with a life like that. If I put in the effort, I could excel at anything. She never told me I couldn't do it. She was more of an inspiration that I could ever express. She is the voice in the back of my head that tells me I can and will overcome the obstacles and curve balls that life throws at me. Did I mention that she was an inspiration to many, because she truly was!
When I would spend time with my grandmother, it was always fun. She organized many community rummage sales, so it was always exciting to wade through the millions of free gifts that businesses would send her. She would sing while I played her the latest songs that I had learned on the piano. She took me to her golf games and let me ride in the golf cart with her. We would go out to eat. She taught me to bake (still a passion of mine today!). She showed me that life could be fun if you had the right attitude.
I wish that my grandmother were here today. I know that she would be very proud of all of the things that I've accomplished and proud of the woman I've become. I wish I could tell her about the goals I have and my dreams. I wish she could have seen me graduate and go to college. I wish she could have seen my first apartment. I wish she could have met John. I wish that she could help me plan and attend my wedding. I wish I could sit around and play cards with her, or that we could read the same books and discuss them. I can't write this stuff without crying, because she was so special, and I miss her all the time.
Maryanne was a great lady. She was funny, smart and very dramatic. She had such a great sense of humor and was always pulling pranks. People that knew her well say that I remind them so much of her, and for me, that is the highest compliment I could ever hope to receive. I wish to be like her and to bring joy to others the way she always did. Minus the hairstyle, I look so much like she did when she was my age, that when I found a picture of her a few years ago and I thought, "hmm.... Where did my aunt get this picture of me and when was it taken?" I really hope that when I'm older, I still get to see her face when I look in the mirror.
Through her positive, "never give up" attitude and her love of encouraging others, my grandmother Maryanne has made my life worth living. I'm eternally grateful to her for everything she's ever done for me. I just wish I could see her again to tell her.
My grandmother, Maryanne, was an exceptional woman. When I was growing up, I was able to roam around unsupervised and get myself into all sorts of trouble. I won't get into all of that, but I'll just say that there was no discipline in my life. I was on the fast track to jail or worse, and my grandmother was the only person who ever pushed me to do anything. At the time, I thought that she was mean for making me do things that I didn't want to do. She sent me to summer camps, enrolled me into music programs and lessons once she realized my musical talents, encouraged me to go to college, and was the only one who truly believed in me. She always told me that there was nothing I couldn't do, while other family members told me that I wouldn't amount to anything and wouldn't even graduate from high school.
Maryanne was one of three daughters born to Italian immigrants, Dino and Katie Prosello. She was the oldest, born in 1930. She was a teacher, she coached women's basketball and cheerleading, was head of the drama department, always encouraged others, and lived by example. She was involved in the her town's airport club, book club, bridge club, garden club and several others. She made sure that Boyne City was beautiful and that she contributed in any way that she could. She was an inspiration to many, and through all of the articles and family stories I've heard or read about her, I wish that I had gotten to know her better while she was still alive. She died in June 2003, and for me, it was one of the worst experiences of my life.
Maryanne taught me that there was so much more to life than I could ever imagine, and that just because my mother was single and struggling, I didn't have to end up with a life like that. If I put in the effort, I could excel at anything. She never told me I couldn't do it. She was more of an inspiration that I could ever express. She is the voice in the back of my head that tells me I can and will overcome the obstacles and curve balls that life throws at me. Did I mention that she was an inspiration to many, because she truly was!
When I would spend time with my grandmother, it was always fun. She organized many community rummage sales, so it was always exciting to wade through the millions of free gifts that businesses would send her. She would sing while I played her the latest songs that I had learned on the piano. She took me to her golf games and let me ride in the golf cart with her. We would go out to eat. She taught me to bake (still a passion of mine today!). She showed me that life could be fun if you had the right attitude.
I wish that my grandmother were here today. I know that she would be very proud of all of the things that I've accomplished and proud of the woman I've become. I wish I could tell her about the goals I have and my dreams. I wish she could have seen me graduate and go to college. I wish she could have seen my first apartment. I wish she could have met John. I wish that she could help me plan and attend my wedding. I wish I could sit around and play cards with her, or that we could read the same books and discuss them. I can't write this stuff without crying, because she was so special, and I miss her all the time.
Maryanne was a great lady. She was funny, smart and very dramatic. She had such a great sense of humor and was always pulling pranks. People that knew her well say that I remind them so much of her, and for me, that is the highest compliment I could ever hope to receive. I wish to be like her and to bring joy to others the way she always did. Minus the hairstyle, I look so much like she did when she was my age, that when I found a picture of her a few years ago and I thought, "hmm.... Where did my aunt get this picture of me and when was it taken?" I really hope that when I'm older, I still get to see her face when I look in the mirror.
Through her positive, "never give up" attitude and her love of encouraging others, my grandmother Maryanne has made my life worth living. I'm eternally grateful to her for everything she's ever done for me. I just wish I could see her again to tell her.
Thirty days of truth -- Day six.
Something you hope you never have to do.
I hope I never have to lose John. I'm sure everyone feels this way about their significant other or spouse. I'm not planning on it happening but I do worry about it... How about some background information?
In my life, I've only ever worried about a few things. First, I worried that I would lose my family; that they would die or that I would be taken away. I used to obsess about it, and then one day (about two years after I started worrying about it), I lost them.. I was placed in the foster care system never to live with family again. The second thing I ever worried about was the NCLEX. That's a fancy acronym for National Council Licensure EXamination, the test you have to take after college graduation to get your nursing license and start practicing as an RN or LPN. As soon as I was aware that this exam existed, I started worrying about it. Excessively. The third and only thing I actually worry about these days is losing John, because he is very important to me, and I would be devastated if he left / died.
As I've said before, I value personal relationships more than anything else. I have no trouble opening up to people or making new friends, but I'm really hesitant to get close to people because as a child we moved every single year, and switched schools just as often (I went to FOUR different schools in third grade alone). Being taken away from my family and placed in foster home after foster home just made that problem even worse.. I never knew how long I would be around the same people, and in order to protect myself from being hurt in a move, I just stopped making close friends and kept a handful of acquaintances. Luckily for me, I was placed in a foster home where I lived for ten years, and made two friends who will most assuredly last forever, and gained three of the most fantastic girls as "sisters." Those two girlfriends and I have remained close throughout the years even though we never get together because of the distance that separates us. When we do see each other it's like no time at all has passed and we're able to just pick up exactly where we left off. It's amazing. I've made other good friends along the way, but they don't compare on the same level as these five ladies.
I've lost people before that I was close to, and let me just say that I do NOT handle loss well. The two most devastating losses I've experienced were those of my biological paternal grandmother, Maryanne Watkins (June 2003 to lung cancer), and my dear friend from high school, James Slough (June 2004 to a house fire). I was a complete mess after each, and couldn't even talk about them until a couple of YEARS after their deaths without crying excessively. I still miss them both a lot and think of them often, but I am able to talk freely about them and I have moved on with my life. Other friends and family members that I have lost include (but are not limited to), my aunt Angela, unlce Chet, grandma Flo, grandpa Royal, grandpa Richard, friend Joe Hankins, friend Margo Marley, and many others that I can't think of off of the top of my head because it's one o'clock in the morning.
I keep people from getting too close because I don't want to be hurt anymore by loss. I don't like to be vulnerable. It used to be that once I felt myself getting really close to someone that I would start to push them away and emotionally run as far as I could in the opposite direction. People have mentioned to me before that I have seemed more "distant" and asked me that age old question of "Are you ok?" How do you tell someone that you're pushing them away to protect yourself emotionally without seeming childish or selfish? I don't know....
When I met John, I started to feel something new and exciting.. I had never been in a serious relationship before and I know now that that feeling is love! I opened myself up to him and one by one, the layers of emotional walls surrounding my heart started to crumble. Yes, I am aware of how corny that last sentence is, but it's true! I don't feel myself emotionally running away, but I do feel extremely vulnerable. I don't want to lose him or be hurt by him, but I know that it's a possibility and the statistics are scary. More than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and women on average outlive men. Do I think that John is going to leave me or that our relationship is going to end in divorce? No. Do I worry about it? Yes, but I try not to dwell on it. I want to grow old with him through the good times and the bad times -- no matter what live hands us at the moment.
So there you have it; I hope that I never have to lose anyone that I'm close to ever again. I'm not so worried about my sisters, because I sincerely hope that our relationship is stronger than some silly argument we might have. I'm not worried about my two closest girlfriends, because they met me at the absolute WORST time in my entire life, so if they can be my friends through that, I'm pretty sure that they can be my friends through anything. As for the rest of the friends I've made and kept along the way, I don't think we talk enough for me to be devastated if something ended our relationship, but I'd definitely be upset.. Mostly, I'm worried about losing John. He's quite possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I value our relationship above all. XOXOXO
FYI, if I ever lose John (God, forbid!!) I want to live with my sisters and/or best girlfriends and be like the Golden Girls. Keep that in the back of your minds. =)
I hope I never have to lose John. I'm sure everyone feels this way about their significant other or spouse. I'm not planning on it happening but I do worry about it... How about some background information?
In my life, I've only ever worried about a few things. First, I worried that I would lose my family; that they would die or that I would be taken away. I used to obsess about it, and then one day (about two years after I started worrying about it), I lost them.. I was placed in the foster care system never to live with family again. The second thing I ever worried about was the NCLEX. That's a fancy acronym for National Council Licensure EXamination, the test you have to take after college graduation to get your nursing license and start practicing as an RN or LPN. As soon as I was aware that this exam existed, I started worrying about it. Excessively. The third and only thing I actually worry about these days is losing John, because he is very important to me, and I would be devastated if he left / died.
As I've said before, I value personal relationships more than anything else. I have no trouble opening up to people or making new friends, but I'm really hesitant to get close to people because as a child we moved every single year, and switched schools just as often (I went to FOUR different schools in third grade alone). Being taken away from my family and placed in foster home after foster home just made that problem even worse.. I never knew how long I would be around the same people, and in order to protect myself from being hurt in a move, I just stopped making close friends and kept a handful of acquaintances. Luckily for me, I was placed in a foster home where I lived for ten years, and made two friends who will most assuredly last forever, and gained three of the most fantastic girls as "sisters." Those two girlfriends and I have remained close throughout the years even though we never get together because of the distance that separates us. When we do see each other it's like no time at all has passed and we're able to just pick up exactly where we left off. It's amazing. I've made other good friends along the way, but they don't compare on the same level as these five ladies.
I've lost people before that I was close to, and let me just say that I do NOT handle loss well. The two most devastating losses I've experienced were those of my biological paternal grandmother, Maryanne Watkins (June 2003 to lung cancer), and my dear friend from high school, James Slough (June 2004 to a house fire). I was a complete mess after each, and couldn't even talk about them until a couple of YEARS after their deaths without crying excessively. I still miss them both a lot and think of them often, but I am able to talk freely about them and I have moved on with my life. Other friends and family members that I have lost include (but are not limited to), my aunt Angela, unlce Chet, grandma Flo, grandpa Royal, grandpa Richard, friend Joe Hankins, friend Margo Marley, and many others that I can't think of off of the top of my head because it's one o'clock in the morning.
I keep people from getting too close because I don't want to be hurt anymore by loss. I don't like to be vulnerable. It used to be that once I felt myself getting really close to someone that I would start to push them away and emotionally run as far as I could in the opposite direction. People have mentioned to me before that I have seemed more "distant" and asked me that age old question of "Are you ok?" How do you tell someone that you're pushing them away to protect yourself emotionally without seeming childish or selfish? I don't know....
When I met John, I started to feel something new and exciting.. I had never been in a serious relationship before and I know now that that feeling is love! I opened myself up to him and one by one, the layers of emotional walls surrounding my heart started to crumble. Yes, I am aware of how corny that last sentence is, but it's true! I don't feel myself emotionally running away, but I do feel extremely vulnerable. I don't want to lose him or be hurt by him, but I know that it's a possibility and the statistics are scary. More than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and women on average outlive men. Do I think that John is going to leave me or that our relationship is going to end in divorce? No. Do I worry about it? Yes, but I try not to dwell on it. I want to grow old with him through the good times and the bad times -- no matter what live hands us at the moment.
So there you have it; I hope that I never have to lose anyone that I'm close to ever again. I'm not so worried about my sisters, because I sincerely hope that our relationship is stronger than some silly argument we might have. I'm not worried about my two closest girlfriends, because they met me at the absolute WORST time in my entire life, so if they can be my friends through that, I'm pretty sure that they can be my friends through anything. As for the rest of the friends I've made and kept along the way, I don't think we talk enough for me to be devastated if something ended our relationship, but I'd definitely be upset.. Mostly, I'm worried about losing John. He's quite possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I value our relationship above all. XOXOXO
FYI, if I ever lose John (God, forbid!!) I want to live with my sisters and/or best girlfriends and be like the Golden Girls. Keep that in the back of your minds. =)
Saturday, February 5
Thirty days of truth -- Day five.
Something you hope to do in your life.
I hope to do a lot of things in my life. I'm always thinking of new goals, but I guess that this is the perfect opportunity to write some of hem down. How about ten goals? I think that sounds good....
(1) I want to upgrade my nursing degree to a Bachelor's Degree, and perhaps a Master's Degree. I can see myself doing this for the rest of my working years, so why the heck not?
Plus, if I upgrade, I can (2) teach nursing, and I've always wanted to teach. I love to orient new nurses and teach people whatever I can possibly teach them. Even just being the clinical teacher would be great. I could still be in the hospital, but I could be teaching valuable real life decision making and skills for the job.
(3) I want to get a full time job with good benefits. I like my job now, but I work part time so some paychecks I have a ton of hours (this last one was over 100 hours!), and other paychecks are so small that it's depressing (I had one check with SIX hours on it). With a full time job and benefits, I could start saving more money because I'd have a dependable income, plus I LOVE to work. I'm basically a wannabe workaholic.
(4) I want to get married. I have the ring and the engagement, but I'm not having the best time wedding planning. I'd rather have someone else plan it and have John and I just come in refreshed and ready. =) I don't want to assemble anything or place chairs and tables, and I certainly don't want to clean up afterward... I guess we aren't in any rush, but I'd still like to make some kind of headway beyond just flipping through bridal magazines and dreaming. =)
(5) I hope to someday have a family. I go back and forth on the issue of having children, but John keeps making these comments about how I'd be a great mother and how our dog would be so good with kids... I think that he's thinking about it because he's been making these little remarks a lot lately.... I really love children, but I'm not ready to make any anytime soon, but maybe in five years... Once I'm more experienced with my job.
(6) I hope to find a place in the US that I love as much as Traverse City, Michigan. Somewhere I can truly be happy living.. At this point, the perfect town has the following basic characteristics: beautiful clean beaches with clear blue water. Four seasons. Or, if no winter with snow, than at least a distinguished fall with color change and spring with the smells of new blooms. I also want safe neighborhoods to walk my dog in and a town with family friendly places to go.
(7) I hope to save enough money to be able to buy a house as soon as John retires. That will be in about 17 years, so it shouldn't be a problem. I just don't want to rent for the rest of my life... I want a house with at least three bedrooms and at least two bathrooms. I want a lot of closets and extra storage places. A den would be awesome. I want a gourmet kitchen (see goal #9) and a formal dining room. I want a sitting room for visiting and a living room with the TV and all. I want a two car garage. I want walk in closets. I want a dedicated laundry room. I want and entryway with a closet and a place for people to put their shoes. I want a place for my dog to run around outside and play. I want a beautifully landscaped yard (I think I'm going to have to hire someone for that, because I have a BLACK thumb). Someone that I used to babysit for has the perfect house. It would be terrific, and it has most of these things.
(8) I hope to someday (maybe in the house that I've just described) have a professional decorator come in and make it instantly feel like home and match both of our decorating personalities, which are about as opposite as possible. I want it to be "comfy cozy" as the decorating scheme. I want people to instantly feel warm and welcomed when they walk in. =)
(9) I want to be a good cook. I'm not talking about being able to make something out of nothing, I'm just talking about being able to go into the kitchen with the things I need, follow the recipe and make something delicious. More than once, I have caught the kitchen on fire, and it's embarrassing and depressing. hahaha I want to be able to invite people over for dinner parties without them feeling like they should eat something beforehand "just in case." I want to be able to prepare courses and have them all be ready at the right time. Not the sides being done way before or way after the main part of the meal.... I'm notorious for that. =(
(10) I want to spend more time with my friends and sisters. I live really far away form them, and I don't see that changing any time soon. If my friends were more established in their lives and careers (myself included), I'd like to be able to take long weekends together and go places to bond and catch up. I like visiting home because I miss it so much, but I want my friends to come visit me once in awhile too so I feel like I'm as important to them as they are to me. I just don't want to keep seeing them once a year, and I don't always want to be the person diong the traveling.
There you have it: ten goals. All of them are realistic. Most of them possible in the next five to ten years (minus the retirement home, obviously). It's good to write down your goals. It's something to hold yourself accountable to that's more substantial than some fleeting thought that passed you by before you have the chance to tell someone. I have those goals a lot, but these are the major goals. Maybe you'll see them come to life. I hope so. =)
I hope to do a lot of things in my life. I'm always thinking of new goals, but I guess that this is the perfect opportunity to write some of hem down. How about ten goals? I think that sounds good....
(1) I want to upgrade my nursing degree to a Bachelor's Degree, and perhaps a Master's Degree. I can see myself doing this for the rest of my working years, so why the heck not?
Plus, if I upgrade, I can (2) teach nursing, and I've always wanted to teach. I love to orient new nurses and teach people whatever I can possibly teach them. Even just being the clinical teacher would be great. I could still be in the hospital, but I could be teaching valuable real life decision making and skills for the job.
(3) I want to get a full time job with good benefits. I like my job now, but I work part time so some paychecks I have a ton of hours (this last one was over 100 hours!), and other paychecks are so small that it's depressing (I had one check with SIX hours on it). With a full time job and benefits, I could start saving more money because I'd have a dependable income, plus I LOVE to work. I'm basically a wannabe workaholic.
(4) I want to get married. I have the ring and the engagement, but I'm not having the best time wedding planning. I'd rather have someone else plan it and have John and I just come in refreshed and ready. =) I don't want to assemble anything or place chairs and tables, and I certainly don't want to clean up afterward... I guess we aren't in any rush, but I'd still like to make some kind of headway beyond just flipping through bridal magazines and dreaming. =)
(5) I hope to someday have a family. I go back and forth on the issue of having children, but John keeps making these comments about how I'd be a great mother and how our dog would be so good with kids... I think that he's thinking about it because he's been making these little remarks a lot lately.... I really love children, but I'm not ready to make any anytime soon, but maybe in five years... Once I'm more experienced with my job.
(6) I hope to find a place in the US that I love as much as Traverse City, Michigan. Somewhere I can truly be happy living.. At this point, the perfect town has the following basic characteristics: beautiful clean beaches with clear blue water. Four seasons. Or, if no winter with snow, than at least a distinguished fall with color change and spring with the smells of new blooms. I also want safe neighborhoods to walk my dog in and a town with family friendly places to go.
(7) I hope to save enough money to be able to buy a house as soon as John retires. That will be in about 17 years, so it shouldn't be a problem. I just don't want to rent for the rest of my life... I want a house with at least three bedrooms and at least two bathrooms. I want a lot of closets and extra storage places. A den would be awesome. I want a gourmet kitchen (see goal #9) and a formal dining room. I want a sitting room for visiting and a living room with the TV and all. I want a two car garage. I want walk in closets. I want a dedicated laundry room. I want and entryway with a closet and a place for people to put their shoes. I want a place for my dog to run around outside and play. I want a beautifully landscaped yard (I think I'm going to have to hire someone for that, because I have a BLACK thumb). Someone that I used to babysit for has the perfect house. It would be terrific, and it has most of these things.
(8) I hope to someday (maybe in the house that I've just described) have a professional decorator come in and make it instantly feel like home and match both of our decorating personalities, which are about as opposite as possible. I want it to be "comfy cozy" as the decorating scheme. I want people to instantly feel warm and welcomed when they walk in. =)
(9) I want to be a good cook. I'm not talking about being able to make something out of nothing, I'm just talking about being able to go into the kitchen with the things I need, follow the recipe and make something delicious. More than once, I have caught the kitchen on fire, and it's embarrassing and depressing. hahaha I want to be able to invite people over for dinner parties without them feeling like they should eat something beforehand "just in case." I want to be able to prepare courses and have them all be ready at the right time. Not the sides being done way before or way after the main part of the meal.... I'm notorious for that. =(
(10) I want to spend more time with my friends and sisters. I live really far away form them, and I don't see that changing any time soon. If my friends were more established in their lives and careers (myself included), I'd like to be able to take long weekends together and go places to bond and catch up. I like visiting home because I miss it so much, but I want my friends to come visit me once in awhile too so I feel like I'm as important to them as they are to me. I just don't want to keep seeing them once a year, and I don't always want to be the person diong the traveling.
There you have it: ten goals. All of them are realistic. Most of them possible in the next five to ten years (minus the retirement home, obviously). It's good to write down your goals. It's something to hold yourself accountable to that's more substantial than some fleeting thought that passed you by before you have the chance to tell someone. I have those goals a lot, but these are the major goals. Maybe you'll see them come to life. I hope so. =)
Friday, February 4
Thirty days of truth -- Day four.
Something you have to forgive someone else for.
I automatically want to say "my dad," but I've already forgiven him. I truly wish him the best, so long as I never have to see or experience him again. SO, I guess I'm going to have to say that I have to forgive BS for being a complete douchebag and for her ability to get under my skin and STAY there.. BS is someone that I work with. She's a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and I think she does a horrible job at it, and I think that she should be fired.. I've had her job before... In two different hospitals. As her job title would have you guess, her job is to assist the nurse.
The basic duties of a nursing assistant are to get vitals at pre-determined times, change beds, pass food trays, pick them up after meals, bathe patients, or set up the shower for them and clean it afterward, and to get I&Os (we count what the patients drink and how much they pee each shift -- intake and output). But those are just the basics of what is expected of them..... The things the nursing assistant plans to do during the day. There are other things that a nursing assistant should be doing, and a good assistant doesn't even have to be asked.. For example, if I am going to get a new patient, my assistant should go ahead and set up the room, help the patient get into a gown (or instruct them to if they aren't already in one), and get a set of vitals. After the scheduled vitals, the assistant should tell the nurse if something is outside of the normal range, because the nurse might not see the list right away. They should also answer the call lights, and respond appropriately, because the patient usually wants something the CNA can do for them, like bringing something to drink or helping them to the bathroom. They can remove catheters and help the nurse with procedures.
But back to BS...... She does the absolute minimum required of her. Only those basic duties. When I ask her to do something else, like get a set of vitals on a new patient or take something down the hall to someone, she flat out refuses, or worse, she'll look at me so I know she heard me and then walk away. Sometimes she'll say in the morning, "I'm not even going in that room today, so you can get the vitals and change the bed." When vitals are outside of the normal range, she won't say anything, so once, I found a child's temperature to be like 101.3 a couple of hours after the vitals were done, and so I checked it again before giving medicine and it was then 103.4... That's definitely a problem! Another issue is post-op patients.... When we get a fresh c-section, we get the vitals every thirty minutes for an hour and a half, then every hour for four hours, then every four hours for the first 24 hours. We also have to get and I&O each hour for eight hours. BS NEVER helps with that and refuses to when asked.
Also, she comes in ten to fifteen minutes late each morning, so we have to wait for her to start giving report. I doubt she punches in that late.. She probably wasting time and getting paid for it. I can't find her throughout the day. I work on a floor with L&D, Pediatrics, a Nursery and occasionally some female med/surg overflow patients. BS doesn't help at all with the L&D patients or the new babies in the nursery, but she is definitely qualified to get their vitals and feed or change the babies... So, if she's working one day that there are four post-partals (the new moms, and usually the easiest patients ever) and two older pediatric patients on the floor, her job is really fast and easy, because those patients are self-sufficient.. But I can't even find her if someone calls for her. I've found her sitting around in the "playroom" chatting with other staff members before on a few occasions. She's obviously not working, so what is she doing? Get paid to hang out with other staff who aren't doing their jobs either? WTF?!!? She could be at the desk answering the call bell or making rounds to see what she could be doing. She could be stocking rooms. She could just clock out and go home if she really has nothing to do..
I've talked to my manager about this, but she seems to just blow it off. I'm not the only nurse that has a problem with this particular CNA, but she's been there for like twenty years, so she's got some kind of immunity to being fired for sucking at her job. I just don't understand how she can get away with this. Sometimes when I work with her I'll hear her say, just loud enough that I can hear it, but not directly to me, that's she working with the "devil" today and "Where's ______ today?" over and over asking where the nurse who's place I'm taking is. Obviously I'm working for that person, but she says it just to be rude... I've heard over and over that she just doesn't like new people, but come on now.... I've been there for nearly a year! And I've never been rude to her. I always ask her politely to do things, and sometimes over and over while she continues to ignore me.. What a B¡†¢*!!!! I really do hate her. I wish that I believed in Karma, because I want bad things to happen to her. I realize that that is a horrible thing to say or to wish, but it's the truth.
Luckily, she works day shift and I've been moved to nights temporarily, so I only have to see her in the morning when I'm getting report. Even then, I can feel my blood pressure rise and the anger boiling up. I can't stand to see her. She's ugly and rude and a really bad "assistant." I wish she were fired because when I was a nursing assistant, I would have been fired on the spot for so many different things that she does. I need to forgive her and get over it, but I'm just not ready to. I want justice. I want consequences for her. I want her to pay for her rudeness and her poor performance. Maybe it isn't something personal, but it definitely SEEMS personal. There have been four or five other people hired since me, and she's not as rude to them, so I can't buy into the idea that it's just because I'm new.
I automatically want to say "my dad," but I've already forgiven him. I truly wish him the best, so long as I never have to see or experience him again. SO, I guess I'm going to have to say that I have to forgive BS for being a complete douchebag and for her ability to get under my skin and STAY there.. BS is someone that I work with. She's a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and I think she does a horrible job at it, and I think that she should be fired.. I've had her job before... In two different hospitals. As her job title would have you guess, her job is to assist the nurse.
The basic duties of a nursing assistant are to get vitals at pre-determined times, change beds, pass food trays, pick them up after meals, bathe patients, or set up the shower for them and clean it afterward, and to get I&Os (we count what the patients drink and how much they pee each shift -- intake and output). But those are just the basics of what is expected of them..... The things the nursing assistant plans to do during the day. There are other things that a nursing assistant should be doing, and a good assistant doesn't even have to be asked.. For example, if I am going to get a new patient, my assistant should go ahead and set up the room, help the patient get into a gown (or instruct them to if they aren't already in one), and get a set of vitals. After the scheduled vitals, the assistant should tell the nurse if something is outside of the normal range, because the nurse might not see the list right away. They should also answer the call lights, and respond appropriately, because the patient usually wants something the CNA can do for them, like bringing something to drink or helping them to the bathroom. They can remove catheters and help the nurse with procedures.
But back to BS...... She does the absolute minimum required of her. Only those basic duties. When I ask her to do something else, like get a set of vitals on a new patient or take something down the hall to someone, she flat out refuses, or worse, she'll look at me so I know she heard me and then walk away. Sometimes she'll say in the morning, "I'm not even going in that room today, so you can get the vitals and change the bed." When vitals are outside of the normal range, she won't say anything, so once, I found a child's temperature to be like 101.3 a couple of hours after the vitals were done, and so I checked it again before giving medicine and it was then 103.4... That's definitely a problem! Another issue is post-op patients.... When we get a fresh c-section, we get the vitals every thirty minutes for an hour and a half, then every hour for four hours, then every four hours for the first 24 hours. We also have to get and I&O each hour for eight hours. BS NEVER helps with that and refuses to when asked.
Also, she comes in ten to fifteen minutes late each morning, so we have to wait for her to start giving report. I doubt she punches in that late.. She probably wasting time and getting paid for it. I can't find her throughout the day. I work on a floor with L&D, Pediatrics, a Nursery and occasionally some female med/surg overflow patients. BS doesn't help at all with the L&D patients or the new babies in the nursery, but she is definitely qualified to get their vitals and feed or change the babies... So, if she's working one day that there are four post-partals (the new moms, and usually the easiest patients ever) and two older pediatric patients on the floor, her job is really fast and easy, because those patients are self-sufficient.. But I can't even find her if someone calls for her. I've found her sitting around in the "playroom" chatting with other staff members before on a few occasions. She's obviously not working, so what is she doing? Get paid to hang out with other staff who aren't doing their jobs either? WTF?!!? She could be at the desk answering the call bell or making rounds to see what she could be doing. She could be stocking rooms. She could just clock out and go home if she really has nothing to do..
I've talked to my manager about this, but she seems to just blow it off. I'm not the only nurse that has a problem with this particular CNA, but she's been there for like twenty years, so she's got some kind of immunity to being fired for sucking at her job. I just don't understand how she can get away with this. Sometimes when I work with her I'll hear her say, just loud enough that I can hear it, but not directly to me, that's she working with the "devil" today and "Where's ______ today?" over and over asking where the nurse who's place I'm taking is. Obviously I'm working for that person, but she says it just to be rude... I've heard over and over that she just doesn't like new people, but come on now.... I've been there for nearly a year! And I've never been rude to her. I always ask her politely to do things, and sometimes over and over while she continues to ignore me.. What a B¡†¢*!!!! I really do hate her. I wish that I believed in Karma, because I want bad things to happen to her. I realize that that is a horrible thing to say or to wish, but it's the truth.
Luckily, she works day shift and I've been moved to nights temporarily, so I only have to see her in the morning when I'm getting report. Even then, I can feel my blood pressure rise and the anger boiling up. I can't stand to see her. She's ugly and rude and a really bad "assistant." I wish she were fired because when I was a nursing assistant, I would have been fired on the spot for so many different things that she does. I need to forgive her and get over it, but I'm just not ready to. I want justice. I want consequences for her. I want her to pay for her rudeness and her poor performance. Maybe it isn't something personal, but it definitely SEEMS personal. There have been four or five other people hired since me, and she's not as rude to them, so I can't buy into the idea that it's just because I'm new.
Thursday, February 3
Thirty days of truth -- Day three.
Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I need to forgive myself for being depressed. I just don't feel like myself. We moved to a new state a little over a year ago and since we've come here, I haven't been happy. Now that I'm out of my element, I don't know what to do. Other than working, I spend most of my time at home on the couch surfing the internet or facebook stalking my friends. I don't laugh very often. I cause unnecessary fights in my relationship because I'm depressed. I feel bad that I take this stuff out on John because he's a great guy and it is NOT his fault. Sure, his job moved us here, but that is no excuse. Where did my attitude and sense of adventure go? Why don't I want to be out and about finding new places and experiencing the culture here? Can I ever be happy outside of Northern Michigan?
Let me just say that I've never been depressed before... I don't know how to handle this. I had so many [friends] before I moved, but now we don't talk. Why don't they return the text messages, phone calls and e-mails? Why aren't they making any effort? I think that I was in shock when I realized that most of the friendships I had in Michigan were like that. Now that I don't live just down the street, it's like our friendship never existed. I guess moving across the country really shows you who your friends are. Luckily I still have a few. Did I mention that I value relationships more than anything? Yeah, talk about a dilemma. I've made a few friends here but I'm not sure that they are going to be friendships that continue once I'm gone. My guard is definitely up because honestly, it really hurt when I realized that most of my [friends] weren't my friends at all.
The weather here also gets me down. There are virtually two seasons here: freaking HOT, or raining. It's a tropical area so it's super humid and feels like summer nearly the entire year. Last winter here, I wore a coat once. Coming from a state with four seasons and LOADS of snow, I just feel like I'm stuck. I love the color change and the snow and the smell of spring with new plant growth. You don't experience any of those things here. I cannot handle being outside in the heat for more than a half hour here in the summer, so I feel like I'm missing out there too because I'm not going to the beach, sailing, hiking and kayaking. Not that I would go in the water.... Hello, alligator and water moccasins! YIKES!!
Not to stay on the negative track, but the final thing that gets me down is that I feel so far away form everything. The last place we lived was a small town, but I feel like I had everything I needed right there. Traverse City, Michigan.... Look it up. It had shopping, many gas stations, scenic drives, perfect weather, gyms, churches, bakeries, a museum, coffee shops, butcher shops, fun little stores, an animal shelter, a downtown, a mall, a pie store, home improvement stores, three different movie theaters, many car dealerships, great restaurants and fine dining, lots of banks, skiing, the most beautiful beaches, a Coast Guard station and a really good hospital. What more could I want?
This town, Morgan City, Louisiana (look it up if you must), has nothing. There is one [fine dining] restaurant, but it's not very good. There are a couple of gas stations, a hospital, a Coast Guard station, two grocery stores, a few local banks (nothing national), and a movie theater. Anything else you want, you have to drive at least 45 minutes for. The nearest large town is an hour and a half away. I hate driving any kind of distance to get what I need. If I want to buy some new clothes, or fix my sink, or get my dog's nails clipped, or have a massage it's a 45 minute drive, minimum... One way.
I don't know. I feel depressed that I am depressed, so it's like a big viscous cycle. I need to forgive myself for it and stop beating myself up. Sometimes people go through periods of depression. It's not completely unnatural. But I hate myself for it. I think I need to go to therapy, but I can't afford it. Maybe I just need to feel like I really have a true friend here. I don't know.
In any case, I need to forgive myself for being depressed. It's a major point of stress for me.
I need to forgive myself for being depressed. I just don't feel like myself. We moved to a new state a little over a year ago and since we've come here, I haven't been happy. Now that I'm out of my element, I don't know what to do. Other than working, I spend most of my time at home on the couch surfing the internet or facebook stalking my friends. I don't laugh very often. I cause unnecessary fights in my relationship because I'm depressed. I feel bad that I take this stuff out on John because he's a great guy and it is NOT his fault. Sure, his job moved us here, but that is no excuse. Where did my attitude and sense of adventure go? Why don't I want to be out and about finding new places and experiencing the culture here? Can I ever be happy outside of Northern Michigan?
Let me just say that I've never been depressed before... I don't know how to handle this. I had so many [friends] before I moved, but now we don't talk. Why don't they return the text messages, phone calls and e-mails? Why aren't they making any effort? I think that I was in shock when I realized that most of the friendships I had in Michigan were like that. Now that I don't live just down the street, it's like our friendship never existed. I guess moving across the country really shows you who your friends are. Luckily I still have a few. Did I mention that I value relationships more than anything? Yeah, talk about a dilemma. I've made a few friends here but I'm not sure that they are going to be friendships that continue once I'm gone. My guard is definitely up because honestly, it really hurt when I realized that most of my [friends] weren't my friends at all.
The weather here also gets me down. There are virtually two seasons here: freaking HOT, or raining. It's a tropical area so it's super humid and feels like summer nearly the entire year. Last winter here, I wore a coat once. Coming from a state with four seasons and LOADS of snow, I just feel like I'm stuck. I love the color change and the snow and the smell of spring with new plant growth. You don't experience any of those things here. I cannot handle being outside in the heat for more than a half hour here in the summer, so I feel like I'm missing out there too because I'm not going to the beach, sailing, hiking and kayaking. Not that I would go in the water.... Hello, alligator and water moccasins! YIKES!!
Not to stay on the negative track, but the final thing that gets me down is that I feel so far away form everything. The last place we lived was a small town, but I feel like I had everything I needed right there. Traverse City, Michigan.... Look it up. It had shopping, many gas stations, scenic drives, perfect weather, gyms, churches, bakeries, a museum, coffee shops, butcher shops, fun little stores, an animal shelter, a downtown, a mall, a pie store, home improvement stores, three different movie theaters, many car dealerships, great restaurants and fine dining, lots of banks, skiing, the most beautiful beaches, a Coast Guard station and a really good hospital. What more could I want?
This town, Morgan City, Louisiana (look it up if you must), has nothing. There is one [fine dining] restaurant, but it's not very good. There are a couple of gas stations, a hospital, a Coast Guard station, two grocery stores, a few local banks (nothing national), and a movie theater. Anything else you want, you have to drive at least 45 minutes for. The nearest large town is an hour and a half away. I hate driving any kind of distance to get what I need. If I want to buy some new clothes, or fix my sink, or get my dog's nails clipped, or have a massage it's a 45 minute drive, minimum... One way.
I don't know. I feel depressed that I am depressed, so it's like a big viscous cycle. I need to forgive myself for it and stop beating myself up. Sometimes people go through periods of depression. It's not completely unnatural. But I hate myself for it. I think I need to go to therapy, but I can't afford it. Maybe I just need to feel like I really have a true friend here. I don't know.
In any case, I need to forgive myself for being depressed. It's a major point of stress for me.
Wednesday, February 2
Thirty days of truth -- Day two.
Something you love about yourself.
I love a lot of things about myself. I love that I'm independent and self sufficient. I love that no matter how hard I push myself physically, my body forgives me. I love that I have no secrets. I love my seemingly unending patience and how I never let the little things get me upset. I love my ability to forgive easily. I love that I can find the positive in any situation. I love that I'm usually able to talk people down when they're super upset about something or screaming at me. I love that I value people and relationships over possessions. I love that I still set goals. I love that I am honest, even if it is "to a fault." I love that I show people grace. I love that I've shared my life with some of the greatest girls around and that they've made me a stronger person. I love that I don't swear. I love that I take criticism well. I love that no matter how bad I feel, my dog can cheer me up. I love that I learn things easily. I love that I've found someone who balances me out and makes me feel complete (as corny as that sounds). I love that I take care of my body. I love my attitude. I love that I love to be outside. I love the healing powers that I can experience in a day at the beach. I love that I can get a tan within fifteen minutes of being outside. I love being Italian. I love that I am able to stay calm and hold my tongue when people yell at me about trivial things. I love that I no longer allow people to walk all over me. I love that I'm loyal. I love that I make friends easily. I love that I treat others the way I want to be treated. I love that I'm good at my job. I love that I believe in myself. I love that I value quality time. I love that I put a lot of effort into my relationships. I love that I've overcome the odds. I love that I have never allowed the past to dictate who I am. I love the person I've become. =)
Tuesday, February 1
Thirty days of truth -- Day one.
Something you hate about yourself.
There are so many things that I hate about myself that I really can't narrow it down to just one..... I hate that I'm so sad living outside of Northern Michigan. I hate that I'm so short. I hate that my hair never cooperates with me. I hate that I don't get to see my sisters everyday. I hate that I hate BS (a person). I hate that I only have energy when I'm with other people. I hate that I'm not as confident as I want to be. I hate that I spend so much time on the couch. I hate that I would rather experience things through other people (like in books or on TV) than for myself. I hate that I am SO EXCITED to get married, but have no motivation to plan my wedding. I hate that I have a black thumb and that plants die if I try to do anything to them. I hate that I am plagued by my thoughts and cannot sleep at night because my brain won't shut off. I hate that my teeth aren't straight. I hate that I'm so superficial. I hate that I'm such a horrible cook. I hate that I can't remember my past. I hate that I took all of my family members for granted when they were still in my life. I hate that I have so much resentment. I hate that I'm so quick to forgive others and to show them grace, but never show myself the same kindness. I hate my body. I hate that I don't have the motivation to go to the gym as often as I did last year. I hate that I don't remember basic things that I learned in school, like why we went to war and with whom. I hate that I don't care about world events and would rather gossip and talk about superficial things that no one else cares about. I hate that I never talk about how I really feel because I don't want other people to see that I'm weak and vulnerable. I hate that I have no energy. I hate being depressed. I hate that I'm a perfectionist, because I'm never going to be perfect at anything and it's a constant source of frustration. I hate that I hate so many things about myself.
There are so many things that I hate about myself that I really can't narrow it down to just one..... I hate that I'm so sad living outside of Northern Michigan. I hate that I'm so short. I hate that my hair never cooperates with me. I hate that I don't get to see my sisters everyday. I hate that I hate BS (a person). I hate that I only have energy when I'm with other people. I hate that I'm not as confident as I want to be. I hate that I spend so much time on the couch. I hate that I would rather experience things through other people (like in books or on TV) than for myself. I hate that I am SO EXCITED to get married, but have no motivation to plan my wedding. I hate that I have a black thumb and that plants die if I try to do anything to them. I hate that I am plagued by my thoughts and cannot sleep at night because my brain won't shut off. I hate that my teeth aren't straight. I hate that I'm so superficial. I hate that I'm such a horrible cook. I hate that I can't remember my past. I hate that I took all of my family members for granted when they were still in my life. I hate that I have so much resentment. I hate that I'm so quick to forgive others and to show them grace, but never show myself the same kindness. I hate my body. I hate that I don't have the motivation to go to the gym as often as I did last year. I hate that I don't remember basic things that I learned in school, like why we went to war and with whom. I hate that I don't care about world events and would rather gossip and talk about superficial things that no one else cares about. I hate that I never talk about how I really feel because I don't want other people to see that I'm weak and vulnerable. I hate that I have no energy. I hate being depressed. I hate that I'm a perfectionist, because I'm never going to be perfect at anything and it's a constant source of frustration. I hate that I hate so many things about myself.
Coming Soon: Thirty days of truth.
Awhile go my best friend, Jenn* included "30 days of truth" on her blog. I loved reading her answers, so I'm going to post mine. Here are the topics for each day, so feel free to use them yourself. FYI, I changed some of the wording to make the topics a little less crude or a little more grammatically correct.
Day one -- Something you hate about yourself.
Day two -- Something you love about yourself.
Day three -- Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day four -- Something you have to forgive someone else for.
Day five -- Something you hope to do in your life.
Day six -- Something you hope you never have to do.
Day seven -- Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day eight -- Someone who made your life hell or treated you like crap.
Day nine -- Someone you didn't want to let go of, but just drifted away.
Day ten -- Someone you need to let go of, or wish you didn't know.
Day eleven -- Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day twelve -- Something you never get compliments on.
Day thirteen -- A band or artist that has gotten you through a tough time.
Day fourteen -- A hero that has let you down.
Day fifteen -- Something or someone you couldn't live without because you've tried living without it/them.
Day sixteen -- Someone of something you definitely could live without.
Day seventeen -- A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day eighteen -- Your views on gay marriage.
Day nineteen -- What do you think of religion? OR What do you think of politics?
Day twenty -- Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day twenty-one -- (SCENARIO) Your best friend is in a car accident and the two of you got into a fight an hour before it happened. What do you do?
Day twenty-two -- Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Day twenty-three -- Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day twenty-four -- Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all of the songs. (Just post the titles, the artist and a letter).
Day twenty-five -- The reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day twenty-six -- Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day twenty-seven -- What's the best thing going for you right now?
Day twenty-eight -- What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant? What would you do?
Day twenty-nine -- Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Day thirty -- A letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself.
Wow. This seems like some great "get-to-know-me" style confession starters. Check back daily, and hopefully I'll have posted one of these... =)
Day one -- Something you hate about yourself.
Day two -- Something you love about yourself.
Day three -- Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day four -- Something you have to forgive someone else for.
Day five -- Something you hope to do in your life.
Day six -- Something you hope you never have to do.
Day seven -- Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day eight -- Someone who made your life hell or treated you like crap.
Day nine -- Someone you didn't want to let go of, but just drifted away.
Day ten -- Someone you need to let go of, or wish you didn't know.
Day eleven -- Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day twelve -- Something you never get compliments on.
Day thirteen -- A band or artist that has gotten you through a tough time.
Day fourteen -- A hero that has let you down.
Day fifteen -- Something or someone you couldn't live without because you've tried living without it/them.
Day sixteen -- Someone of something you definitely could live without.
Day seventeen -- A book you've read that changed your views on something.
Day eighteen -- Your views on gay marriage.
Day nineteen -- What do you think of religion? OR What do you think of politics?
Day twenty -- Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day twenty-one -- (SCENARIO) Your best friend is in a car accident and the two of you got into a fight an hour before it happened. What do you do?
Day twenty-two -- Something you wish you hadn't done in your life.
Day twenty-three -- Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day twenty-four -- Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all of the songs. (Just post the titles, the artist and a letter).
Day twenty-five -- The reason you believe you're still alive today.
Day twenty-six -- Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day twenty-seven -- What's the best thing going for you right now?
Day twenty-eight -- What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant? What would you do?
Day twenty-nine -- Something you hope to change about yourself and why.
Day thirty -- A letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself.
Wow. This seems like some great "get-to-know-me" style confession starters. Check back daily, and hopefully I'll have posted one of these... =)
Out with the old, in with the new.
I've decided that making this blog about wedding planning (see previous posts) was a bad idea. I've been engaged for seven months and the details of my wedding are about as complex as they were then: unclear. This is why I haven't posted in a ridiculously long time.
I love to read blogs that my friends write. It makes me feel like they aren't so far away. The new idea for my blog is to just tell you a bunch of stuff that no one cares about, because those are my favorite things to talk about. And, I can showcase how bad my conversational whiplash really is. I have no intention on staying on subject or always making an entire paragraph about the one thing......
So hold on to your hats, check as often as you like (or not) and I'll let you know what's going on in my life. Uncensored. The good, the bad and the ugly. The relevant, irrelevant and downright ridiculous. Get to know me in a way that you might not have bargained for.
I love to read blogs that my friends write. It makes me feel like they aren't so far away. The new idea for my blog is to just tell you a bunch of stuff that no one cares about, because those are my favorite things to talk about. And, I can showcase how bad my conversational whiplash really is. I have no intention on staying on subject or always making an entire paragraph about the one thing......
So hold on to your hats, check as often as you like (or not) and I'll let you know what's going on in my life. Uncensored. The good, the bad and the ugly. The relevant, irrelevant and downright ridiculous. Get to know me in a way that you might not have bargained for.
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