Thirty days of truth -- Day six.

Something you hope you never have to do.

I hope I never have to lose John. I'm sure everyone feels this way about their significant other or spouse. I'm not planning on it happening but I do worry about it... How about some background information?

In my life, I've only ever worried about a few things. First, I worried that I would lose my family; that they would die or that I would be taken away. I used to obsess about it, and then one day (about two years after I started worrying about it), I lost them.. I was placed in the foster care system never to live with family again. The second thing I ever worried about was the NCLEX. That's a fancy acronym for National Council Licensure EXamination, the test you have to take after college graduation to get your nursing license and start practicing as an RN or LPN. As soon as I was aware that this exam existed, I started worrying about it. Excessively. The third and only thing I actually worry about these days is losing John, because he is very important to me, and I would be devastated if he left / died.

As I've said before, I value personal relationships more than anything else. I have no trouble opening up to people or making new friends, but I'm really hesitant to get close to people because as a child we moved every single year, and switched schools just as often (I went to FOUR different schools in third grade alone). Being taken away from my family and placed in foster home after foster home just made that problem even worse.. I never knew how long I would be around the same people, and in order to protect myself from being hurt in a move, I just stopped making close friends and kept a handful of acquaintances. Luckily for me, I was placed in a foster home where I lived for ten years, and made two friends who will most assuredly last forever, and gained three of the most fantastic girls as "sisters." Those two girlfriends and I have remained close throughout the years even though we never get together because of the distance that separates us. When we do see each other it's like no time at all has passed and we're able to just pick up exactly where we left off. It's amazing. I've made other good friends along the way, but they don't compare on the same level as these five ladies.

I've lost people before that I was close to, and let me just say that I do NOT handle loss well. The two most devastating losses I've experienced were those of my biological paternal grandmother, Maryanne Watkins (June 2003 to lung cancer), and my dear friend from high school, James Slough (June 2004 to a house fire). I was a complete mess after each, and couldn't even talk about them until a couple of YEARS after their deaths without crying excessively. I still miss them both a lot and think of them often, but I am able to talk freely about them and I have moved on with my life. Other friends and family members that I have lost include (but are not limited to), my aunt Angela, unlce Chet, grandma Flo, grandpa Royal, grandpa Richard, friend Joe Hankins, friend Margo Marley, and many others that I can't think of off of the top of my head because it's one o'clock in the morning.

I keep people from getting too close because I don't want to be hurt anymore by loss. I don't like to be vulnerable. It used to be that once I felt myself getting really close to someone that I would start to push them away and emotionally run as far as I could in the opposite direction. People have mentioned to me before that I have seemed more "distant" and asked me that age old question of "Are you ok?" How do you tell someone that you're pushing them away to protect yourself emotionally without seeming childish or selfish? I don't know....

When I met John, I started to feel something new and exciting.. I had never been in a serious relationship before and  I know now that that feeling is love! I opened myself up to him and one by one, the layers of emotional walls surrounding my heart started to crumble. Yes, I am aware of how corny that last sentence is, but it's true! I don't feel myself emotionally running away, but I do feel extremely vulnerable. I don't want to lose him or be hurt by him, but I know that it's a possibility and the statistics are scary. More than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and women on average outlive men. Do I think that John is going to leave me or that our relationship is going to end in divorce? No. Do I worry about it? Yes, but I try not to dwell on it. I want to grow old with him through the good times and the bad times -- no matter what live hands us at the moment.

So there you have it; I hope that I never have to lose anyone that I'm close to ever again. I'm not so worried about my sisters, because I sincerely hope that our relationship is stronger than some silly argument we might have. I'm not worried about my two closest girlfriends, because they met me at the absolute WORST time in my entire life, so if they can be my friends through that, I'm pretty sure that they can be my friends through anything. As for the rest of the friends I've made and kept along the way, I don't think we talk enough for me to be devastated if something ended our relationship, but I'd definitely be upset.. Mostly, I'm worried about losing John. He's quite possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I value our relationship above all. XOXOXO

FYI, if I ever lose John (God, forbid!!) I want to live with my sisters and/or best girlfriends and be like the Golden Girls. Keep that in the back of your minds. =)