Thirty days of truth -- Day three.

Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I need to forgive myself for being depressed. I just don't feel like myself. We moved to a new state a little over a year ago and since we've come here, I haven't been happy. Now that I'm out of my element, I don't know what to do. Other than working, I spend most of my time at home on the couch surfing the internet or facebook stalking my friends. I don't laugh very often. I cause unnecessary fights in my relationship because I'm depressed. I feel bad that I take this stuff out on John because he's a great guy and it is NOT his fault. Sure, his job moved us here, but that is no excuse. Where did my attitude and sense of adventure go? Why don't I want to be out and about finding new places and experiencing the culture here? Can I ever be happy outside of Northern Michigan?

Let me just say that I've never been depressed before... I don't know how to handle this. I had so many [friends] before I moved, but now we don't talk. Why don't they return the text messages, phone calls and e-mails? Why aren't they making any effort? I think that I was in shock when I realized that most of the friendships I had in Michigan were like that. Now that I don't live just down the street, it's like our friendship never existed. I guess moving across the country really shows you who your friends are. Luckily I still have a few. Did I mention that I value relationships more than anything? Yeah, talk about a dilemma. I've made a few friends here but I'm not sure that they are going to be friendships that continue once I'm gone. My guard is definitely up because honestly, it really hurt when I realized that most of my [friends] weren't my friends at all.

The weather here also gets me down. There are virtually two seasons here: freaking HOT, or raining. It's a tropical area so it's super humid and feels like summer nearly the entire year. Last winter here, I wore a coat once. Coming from a state with four seasons and LOADS of snow, I just feel like I'm stuck. I love the color change and the snow and the smell of spring with new plant growth. You don't experience any of those things here. I cannot handle being outside in the heat for more than a half hour here in the summer, so I feel like I'm missing out there too because I'm not going to the beach, sailing, hiking and kayaking. Not that I would go in the water.... Hello, alligator and water moccasins! YIKES!!

Not to stay on the negative track, but the final thing that gets me down is that I feel so far away form everything. The last place we lived was a small town, but I feel like I had everything I needed right there. Traverse City, Michigan.... Look it up. It had shopping, many gas stations, scenic drives, perfect weather, gyms, churches, bakeries, a museum, coffee shops,  butcher shops, fun little stores, an animal shelter, a downtown, a mall, a pie store, home improvement stores, three different movie theaters, many car dealerships, great restaurants and fine dining, lots of banks, skiing, the most beautiful beaches, a Coast Guard station and a really good hospital. What more could I want?

This town, Morgan City, Louisiana (look it up if you must), has nothing. There is one [fine dining] restaurant, but it's not very good. There are a couple of gas stations, a hospital, a Coast Guard station, two grocery stores, a few local banks (nothing national), and a movie theater. Anything else you want, you have to drive at least 45 minutes for. The nearest large town is an hour and a half away. I hate driving any kind of distance to get what I need. If I want to buy some new clothes, or fix my sink, or get my dog's nails clipped, or have a massage it's a 45 minute drive, minimum... One way.

I don't know. I feel depressed that I am depressed, so it's like a big viscous cycle. I need to forgive myself for it and stop beating myself up. Sometimes people go through periods of depression. It's not completely unnatural. But I hate myself for it. I think I need to go to therapy, but I can't afford it. Maybe I just need to feel like I really have a true friend here. I don't know.

In any case, I need to forgive myself for being depressed. It's a major point of stress for me.