Someone who has made your life worth living for.
My grandmother, Maryanne, was an exceptional woman. When I was growing up, I was able to roam around unsupervised and get myself into all sorts of trouble. I won't get into all of that, but I'll just say that there was no discipline in my life. I was on the fast track to jail or worse, and my grandmother was the only person who ever pushed me to do anything. At the time, I thought that she was mean for making me do things that I didn't want to do. She sent me to summer camps, enrolled me into music programs and lessons once she realized my musical talents, encouraged me to go to college, and was the only one who truly believed in me. She always told me that there was nothing I couldn't do, while other family members told me that I wouldn't amount to anything and wouldn't even graduate from high school.
Maryanne was one of three daughters born to Italian immigrants, Dino and Katie Prosello. She was the oldest, born in 1930. She was a teacher, she coached women's basketball and cheerleading, was head of the drama department, always encouraged others, and lived by example. She was involved in the her town's airport club, book club, bridge club, garden club and several others. She made sure that Boyne City was beautiful and that she contributed in any way that she could. She was an inspiration to many, and through all of the articles and family stories I've heard or read about her, I wish that I had gotten to know her better while she was still alive. She died in June 2003, and for me, it was one of the worst experiences of my life.
Maryanne taught me that there was so much more to life than I could ever imagine, and that just because my mother was single and struggling, I didn't have to end up with a life like that. If I put in the effort, I could excel at anything. She never told me I couldn't do it. She was more of an inspiration that I could ever express. She is the voice in the back of my head that tells me I can and will overcome the obstacles and curve balls that life throws at me. Did I mention that she was an inspiration to many, because she truly was!
When I would spend time with my grandmother, it was always fun. She organized many community rummage sales, so it was always exciting to wade through the millions of free gifts that businesses would send her. She would sing while I played her the latest songs that I had learned on the piano. She took me to her golf games and let me ride in the golf cart with her. We would go out to eat. She taught me to bake (still a passion of mine today!). She showed me that life could be fun if you had the right attitude.
I wish that my grandmother were here today. I know that she would be very proud of all of the things that I've accomplished and proud of the woman I've become. I wish I could tell her about the goals I have and my dreams. I wish she could have seen me graduate and go to college. I wish she could have seen my first apartment. I wish she could have met John. I wish that she could help me plan and attend my wedding. I wish I could sit around and play cards with her, or that we could read the same books and discuss them. I can't write this stuff without crying, because she was so special, and I miss her all the time.
Maryanne was a great lady. She was funny, smart and very dramatic. She had such a great sense of humor and was always pulling pranks. People that knew her well say that I remind them so much of her, and for me, that is the highest compliment I could ever hope to receive. I wish to be like her and to bring joy to others the way she always did. Minus the hairstyle, I look so much like she did when she was my age, that when I found a picture of her a few years ago and I thought, "hmm.... Where did my aunt get this picture of me and when was it taken?" I really hope that when I'm older, I still get to see her face when I look in the mirror.
Through her positive, "never give up" attitude and her love of encouraging others, my grandmother Maryanne has made my life worth living. I'm eternally grateful to her for everything she's ever done for me. I just wish I could see her again to tell her.
Monday, February 7
Thirty days of truth -- Day six.
Something you hope you never have to do.
I hope I never have to lose John. I'm sure everyone feels this way about their significant other or spouse. I'm not planning on it happening but I do worry about it... How about some background information?
In my life, I've only ever worried about a few things. First, I worried that I would lose my family; that they would die or that I would be taken away. I used to obsess about it, and then one day (about two years after I started worrying about it), I lost them.. I was placed in the foster care system never to live with family again. The second thing I ever worried about was the NCLEX. That's a fancy acronym for National Council Licensure EXamination, the test you have to take after college graduation to get your nursing license and start practicing as an RN or LPN. As soon as I was aware that this exam existed, I started worrying about it. Excessively. The third and only thing I actually worry about these days is losing John, because he is very important to me, and I would be devastated if he left / died.
As I've said before, I value personal relationships more than anything else. I have no trouble opening up to people or making new friends, but I'm really hesitant to get close to people because as a child we moved every single year, and switched schools just as often (I went to FOUR different schools in third grade alone). Being taken away from my family and placed in foster home after foster home just made that problem even worse.. I never knew how long I would be around the same people, and in order to protect myself from being hurt in a move, I just stopped making close friends and kept a handful of acquaintances. Luckily for me, I was placed in a foster home where I lived for ten years, and made two friends who will most assuredly last forever, and gained three of the most fantastic girls as "sisters." Those two girlfriends and I have remained close throughout the years even though we never get together because of the distance that separates us. When we do see each other it's like no time at all has passed and we're able to just pick up exactly where we left off. It's amazing. I've made other good friends along the way, but they don't compare on the same level as these five ladies.
I've lost people before that I was close to, and let me just say that I do NOT handle loss well. The two most devastating losses I've experienced were those of my biological paternal grandmother, Maryanne Watkins (June 2003 to lung cancer), and my dear friend from high school, James Slough (June 2004 to a house fire). I was a complete mess after each, and couldn't even talk about them until a couple of YEARS after their deaths without crying excessively. I still miss them both a lot and think of them often, but I am able to talk freely about them and I have moved on with my life. Other friends and family members that I have lost include (but are not limited to), my aunt Angela, unlce Chet, grandma Flo, grandpa Royal, grandpa Richard, friend Joe Hankins, friend Margo Marley, and many others that I can't think of off of the top of my head because it's one o'clock in the morning.
I keep people from getting too close because I don't want to be hurt anymore by loss. I don't like to be vulnerable. It used to be that once I felt myself getting really close to someone that I would start to push them away and emotionally run as far as I could in the opposite direction. People have mentioned to me before that I have seemed more "distant" and asked me that age old question of "Are you ok?" How do you tell someone that you're pushing them away to protect yourself emotionally without seeming childish or selfish? I don't know....
When I met John, I started to feel something new and exciting.. I had never been in a serious relationship before and I know now that that feeling is love! I opened myself up to him and one by one, the layers of emotional walls surrounding my heart started to crumble. Yes, I am aware of how corny that last sentence is, but it's true! I don't feel myself emotionally running away, but I do feel extremely vulnerable. I don't want to lose him or be hurt by him, but I know that it's a possibility and the statistics are scary. More than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and women on average outlive men. Do I think that John is going to leave me or that our relationship is going to end in divorce? No. Do I worry about it? Yes, but I try not to dwell on it. I want to grow old with him through the good times and the bad times -- no matter what live hands us at the moment.
So there you have it; I hope that I never have to lose anyone that I'm close to ever again. I'm not so worried about my sisters, because I sincerely hope that our relationship is stronger than some silly argument we might have. I'm not worried about my two closest girlfriends, because they met me at the absolute WORST time in my entire life, so if they can be my friends through that, I'm pretty sure that they can be my friends through anything. As for the rest of the friends I've made and kept along the way, I don't think we talk enough for me to be devastated if something ended our relationship, but I'd definitely be upset.. Mostly, I'm worried about losing John. He's quite possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I value our relationship above all. XOXOXO
FYI, if I ever lose John (God, forbid!!) I want to live with my sisters and/or best girlfriends and be like the Golden Girls. Keep that in the back of your minds. =)
I hope I never have to lose John. I'm sure everyone feels this way about their significant other or spouse. I'm not planning on it happening but I do worry about it... How about some background information?
In my life, I've only ever worried about a few things. First, I worried that I would lose my family; that they would die or that I would be taken away. I used to obsess about it, and then one day (about two years after I started worrying about it), I lost them.. I was placed in the foster care system never to live with family again. The second thing I ever worried about was the NCLEX. That's a fancy acronym for National Council Licensure EXamination, the test you have to take after college graduation to get your nursing license and start practicing as an RN or LPN. As soon as I was aware that this exam existed, I started worrying about it. Excessively. The third and only thing I actually worry about these days is losing John, because he is very important to me, and I would be devastated if he left / died.
As I've said before, I value personal relationships more than anything else. I have no trouble opening up to people or making new friends, but I'm really hesitant to get close to people because as a child we moved every single year, and switched schools just as often (I went to FOUR different schools in third grade alone). Being taken away from my family and placed in foster home after foster home just made that problem even worse.. I never knew how long I would be around the same people, and in order to protect myself from being hurt in a move, I just stopped making close friends and kept a handful of acquaintances. Luckily for me, I was placed in a foster home where I lived for ten years, and made two friends who will most assuredly last forever, and gained three of the most fantastic girls as "sisters." Those two girlfriends and I have remained close throughout the years even though we never get together because of the distance that separates us. When we do see each other it's like no time at all has passed and we're able to just pick up exactly where we left off. It's amazing. I've made other good friends along the way, but they don't compare on the same level as these five ladies.
I've lost people before that I was close to, and let me just say that I do NOT handle loss well. The two most devastating losses I've experienced were those of my biological paternal grandmother, Maryanne Watkins (June 2003 to lung cancer), and my dear friend from high school, James Slough (June 2004 to a house fire). I was a complete mess after each, and couldn't even talk about them until a couple of YEARS after their deaths without crying excessively. I still miss them both a lot and think of them often, but I am able to talk freely about them and I have moved on with my life. Other friends and family members that I have lost include (but are not limited to), my aunt Angela, unlce Chet, grandma Flo, grandpa Royal, grandpa Richard, friend Joe Hankins, friend Margo Marley, and many others that I can't think of off of the top of my head because it's one o'clock in the morning.
I keep people from getting too close because I don't want to be hurt anymore by loss. I don't like to be vulnerable. It used to be that once I felt myself getting really close to someone that I would start to push them away and emotionally run as far as I could in the opposite direction. People have mentioned to me before that I have seemed more "distant" and asked me that age old question of "Are you ok?" How do you tell someone that you're pushing them away to protect yourself emotionally without seeming childish or selfish? I don't know....
When I met John, I started to feel something new and exciting.. I had never been in a serious relationship before and I know now that that feeling is love! I opened myself up to him and one by one, the layers of emotional walls surrounding my heart started to crumble. Yes, I am aware of how corny that last sentence is, but it's true! I don't feel myself emotionally running away, but I do feel extremely vulnerable. I don't want to lose him or be hurt by him, but I know that it's a possibility and the statistics are scary. More than fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and women on average outlive men. Do I think that John is going to leave me or that our relationship is going to end in divorce? No. Do I worry about it? Yes, but I try not to dwell on it. I want to grow old with him through the good times and the bad times -- no matter what live hands us at the moment.
So there you have it; I hope that I never have to lose anyone that I'm close to ever again. I'm not so worried about my sisters, because I sincerely hope that our relationship is stronger than some silly argument we might have. I'm not worried about my two closest girlfriends, because they met me at the absolute WORST time in my entire life, so if they can be my friends through that, I'm pretty sure that they can be my friends through anything. As for the rest of the friends I've made and kept along the way, I don't think we talk enough for me to be devastated if something ended our relationship, but I'd definitely be upset.. Mostly, I'm worried about losing John. He's quite possibly the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I value our relationship above all. XOXOXO
FYI, if I ever lose John (God, forbid!!) I want to live with my sisters and/or best girlfriends and be like the Golden Girls. Keep that in the back of your minds. =)
Saturday, February 5
Thirty days of truth -- Day five.
Something you hope to do in your life.
I hope to do a lot of things in my life. I'm always thinking of new goals, but I guess that this is the perfect opportunity to write some of hem down. How about ten goals? I think that sounds good....
(1) I want to upgrade my nursing degree to a Bachelor's Degree, and perhaps a Master's Degree. I can see myself doing this for the rest of my working years, so why the heck not?
Plus, if I upgrade, I can (2) teach nursing, and I've always wanted to teach. I love to orient new nurses and teach people whatever I can possibly teach them. Even just being the clinical teacher would be great. I could still be in the hospital, but I could be teaching valuable real life decision making and skills for the job.
(3) I want to get a full time job with good benefits. I like my job now, but I work part time so some paychecks I have a ton of hours (this last one was over 100 hours!), and other paychecks are so small that it's depressing (I had one check with SIX hours on it). With a full time job and benefits, I could start saving more money because I'd have a dependable income, plus I LOVE to work. I'm basically a wannabe workaholic.
(4) I want to get married. I have the ring and the engagement, but I'm not having the best time wedding planning. I'd rather have someone else plan it and have John and I just come in refreshed and ready. =) I don't want to assemble anything or place chairs and tables, and I certainly don't want to clean up afterward... I guess we aren't in any rush, but I'd still like to make some kind of headway beyond just flipping through bridal magazines and dreaming. =)
(5) I hope to someday have a family. I go back and forth on the issue of having children, but John keeps making these comments about how I'd be a great mother and how our dog would be so good with kids... I think that he's thinking about it because he's been making these little remarks a lot lately.... I really love children, but I'm not ready to make any anytime soon, but maybe in five years... Once I'm more experienced with my job.
(6) I hope to find a place in the US that I love as much as Traverse City, Michigan. Somewhere I can truly be happy living.. At this point, the perfect town has the following basic characteristics: beautiful clean beaches with clear blue water. Four seasons. Or, if no winter with snow, than at least a distinguished fall with color change and spring with the smells of new blooms. I also want safe neighborhoods to walk my dog in and a town with family friendly places to go.
(7) I hope to save enough money to be able to buy a house as soon as John retires. That will be in about 17 years, so it shouldn't be a problem. I just don't want to rent for the rest of my life... I want a house with at least three bedrooms and at least two bathrooms. I want a lot of closets and extra storage places. A den would be awesome. I want a gourmet kitchen (see goal #9) and a formal dining room. I want a sitting room for visiting and a living room with the TV and all. I want a two car garage. I want walk in closets. I want a dedicated laundry room. I want and entryway with a closet and a place for people to put their shoes. I want a place for my dog to run around outside and play. I want a beautifully landscaped yard (I think I'm going to have to hire someone for that, because I have a BLACK thumb). Someone that I used to babysit for has the perfect house. It would be terrific, and it has most of these things.
(8) I hope to someday (maybe in the house that I've just described) have a professional decorator come in and make it instantly feel like home and match both of our decorating personalities, which are about as opposite as possible. I want it to be "comfy cozy" as the decorating scheme. I want people to instantly feel warm and welcomed when they walk in. =)
(9) I want to be a good cook. I'm not talking about being able to make something out of nothing, I'm just talking about being able to go into the kitchen with the things I need, follow the recipe and make something delicious. More than once, I have caught the kitchen on fire, and it's embarrassing and depressing. hahaha I want to be able to invite people over for dinner parties without them feeling like they should eat something beforehand "just in case." I want to be able to prepare courses and have them all be ready at the right time. Not the sides being done way before or way after the main part of the meal.... I'm notorious for that. =(
(10) I want to spend more time with my friends and sisters. I live really far away form them, and I don't see that changing any time soon. If my friends were more established in their lives and careers (myself included), I'd like to be able to take long weekends together and go places to bond and catch up. I like visiting home because I miss it so much, but I want my friends to come visit me once in awhile too so I feel like I'm as important to them as they are to me. I just don't want to keep seeing them once a year, and I don't always want to be the person diong the traveling.
There you have it: ten goals. All of them are realistic. Most of them possible in the next five to ten years (minus the retirement home, obviously). It's good to write down your goals. It's something to hold yourself accountable to that's more substantial than some fleeting thought that passed you by before you have the chance to tell someone. I have those goals a lot, but these are the major goals. Maybe you'll see them come to life. I hope so. =)
I hope to do a lot of things in my life. I'm always thinking of new goals, but I guess that this is the perfect opportunity to write some of hem down. How about ten goals? I think that sounds good....
(1) I want to upgrade my nursing degree to a Bachelor's Degree, and perhaps a Master's Degree. I can see myself doing this for the rest of my working years, so why the heck not?
Plus, if I upgrade, I can (2) teach nursing, and I've always wanted to teach. I love to orient new nurses and teach people whatever I can possibly teach them. Even just being the clinical teacher would be great. I could still be in the hospital, but I could be teaching valuable real life decision making and skills for the job.
(3) I want to get a full time job with good benefits. I like my job now, but I work part time so some paychecks I have a ton of hours (this last one was over 100 hours!), and other paychecks are so small that it's depressing (I had one check with SIX hours on it). With a full time job and benefits, I could start saving more money because I'd have a dependable income, plus I LOVE to work. I'm basically a wannabe workaholic.
(4) I want to get married. I have the ring and the engagement, but I'm not having the best time wedding planning. I'd rather have someone else plan it and have John and I just come in refreshed and ready. =) I don't want to assemble anything or place chairs and tables, and I certainly don't want to clean up afterward... I guess we aren't in any rush, but I'd still like to make some kind of headway beyond just flipping through bridal magazines and dreaming. =)
(5) I hope to someday have a family. I go back and forth on the issue of having children, but John keeps making these comments about how I'd be a great mother and how our dog would be so good with kids... I think that he's thinking about it because he's been making these little remarks a lot lately.... I really love children, but I'm not ready to make any anytime soon, but maybe in five years... Once I'm more experienced with my job.
(6) I hope to find a place in the US that I love as much as Traverse City, Michigan. Somewhere I can truly be happy living.. At this point, the perfect town has the following basic characteristics: beautiful clean beaches with clear blue water. Four seasons. Or, if no winter with snow, than at least a distinguished fall with color change and spring with the smells of new blooms. I also want safe neighborhoods to walk my dog in and a town with family friendly places to go.
(7) I hope to save enough money to be able to buy a house as soon as John retires. That will be in about 17 years, so it shouldn't be a problem. I just don't want to rent for the rest of my life... I want a house with at least three bedrooms and at least two bathrooms. I want a lot of closets and extra storage places. A den would be awesome. I want a gourmet kitchen (see goal #9) and a formal dining room. I want a sitting room for visiting and a living room with the TV and all. I want a two car garage. I want walk in closets. I want a dedicated laundry room. I want and entryway with a closet and a place for people to put their shoes. I want a place for my dog to run around outside and play. I want a beautifully landscaped yard (I think I'm going to have to hire someone for that, because I have a BLACK thumb). Someone that I used to babysit for has the perfect house. It would be terrific, and it has most of these things.
(8) I hope to someday (maybe in the house that I've just described) have a professional decorator come in and make it instantly feel like home and match both of our decorating personalities, which are about as opposite as possible. I want it to be "comfy cozy" as the decorating scheme. I want people to instantly feel warm and welcomed when they walk in. =)
(9) I want to be a good cook. I'm not talking about being able to make something out of nothing, I'm just talking about being able to go into the kitchen with the things I need, follow the recipe and make something delicious. More than once, I have caught the kitchen on fire, and it's embarrassing and depressing. hahaha I want to be able to invite people over for dinner parties without them feeling like they should eat something beforehand "just in case." I want to be able to prepare courses and have them all be ready at the right time. Not the sides being done way before or way after the main part of the meal.... I'm notorious for that. =(
(10) I want to spend more time with my friends and sisters. I live really far away form them, and I don't see that changing any time soon. If my friends were more established in their lives and careers (myself included), I'd like to be able to take long weekends together and go places to bond and catch up. I like visiting home because I miss it so much, but I want my friends to come visit me once in awhile too so I feel like I'm as important to them as they are to me. I just don't want to keep seeing them once a year, and I don't always want to be the person diong the traveling.
There you have it: ten goals. All of them are realistic. Most of them possible in the next five to ten years (minus the retirement home, obviously). It's good to write down your goals. It's something to hold yourself accountable to that's more substantial than some fleeting thought that passed you by before you have the chance to tell someone. I have those goals a lot, but these are the major goals. Maybe you'll see them come to life. I hope so. =)
Friday, February 4
Thirty days of truth -- Day four.
Something you have to forgive someone else for.
I automatically want to say "my dad," but I've already forgiven him. I truly wish him the best, so long as I never have to see or experience him again. SO, I guess I'm going to have to say that I have to forgive BS for being a complete douchebag and for her ability to get under my skin and STAY there.. BS is someone that I work with. She's a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and I think she does a horrible job at it, and I think that she should be fired.. I've had her job before... In two different hospitals. As her job title would have you guess, her job is to assist the nurse.
The basic duties of a nursing assistant are to get vitals at pre-determined times, change beds, pass food trays, pick them up after meals, bathe patients, or set up the shower for them and clean it afterward, and to get I&Os (we count what the patients drink and how much they pee each shift -- intake and output). But those are just the basics of what is expected of them..... The things the nursing assistant plans to do during the day. There are other things that a nursing assistant should be doing, and a good assistant doesn't even have to be asked.. For example, if I am going to get a new patient, my assistant should go ahead and set up the room, help the patient get into a gown (or instruct them to if they aren't already in one), and get a set of vitals. After the scheduled vitals, the assistant should tell the nurse if something is outside of the normal range, because the nurse might not see the list right away. They should also answer the call lights, and respond appropriately, because the patient usually wants something the CNA can do for them, like bringing something to drink or helping them to the bathroom. They can remove catheters and help the nurse with procedures.
But back to BS...... She does the absolute minimum required of her. Only those basic duties. When I ask her to do something else, like get a set of vitals on a new patient or take something down the hall to someone, she flat out refuses, or worse, she'll look at me so I know she heard me and then walk away. Sometimes she'll say in the morning, "I'm not even going in that room today, so you can get the vitals and change the bed." When vitals are outside of the normal range, she won't say anything, so once, I found a child's temperature to be like 101.3 a couple of hours after the vitals were done, and so I checked it again before giving medicine and it was then 103.4... That's definitely a problem! Another issue is post-op patients.... When we get a fresh c-section, we get the vitals every thirty minutes for an hour and a half, then every hour for four hours, then every four hours for the first 24 hours. We also have to get and I&O each hour for eight hours. BS NEVER helps with that and refuses to when asked.
Also, she comes in ten to fifteen minutes late each morning, so we have to wait for her to start giving report. I doubt she punches in that late.. She probably wasting time and getting paid for it. I can't find her throughout the day. I work on a floor with L&D, Pediatrics, a Nursery and occasionally some female med/surg overflow patients. BS doesn't help at all with the L&D patients or the new babies in the nursery, but she is definitely qualified to get their vitals and feed or change the babies... So, if she's working one day that there are four post-partals (the new moms, and usually the easiest patients ever) and two older pediatric patients on the floor, her job is really fast and easy, because those patients are self-sufficient.. But I can't even find her if someone calls for her. I've found her sitting around in the "playroom" chatting with other staff members before on a few occasions. She's obviously not working, so what is she doing? Get paid to hang out with other staff who aren't doing their jobs either? WTF?!!? She could be at the desk answering the call bell or making rounds to see what she could be doing. She could be stocking rooms. She could just clock out and go home if she really has nothing to do..
I've talked to my manager about this, but she seems to just blow it off. I'm not the only nurse that has a problem with this particular CNA, but she's been there for like twenty years, so she's got some kind of immunity to being fired for sucking at her job. I just don't understand how she can get away with this. Sometimes when I work with her I'll hear her say, just loud enough that I can hear it, but not directly to me, that's she working with the "devil" today and "Where's ______ today?" over and over asking where the nurse who's place I'm taking is. Obviously I'm working for that person, but she says it just to be rude... I've heard over and over that she just doesn't like new people, but come on now.... I've been there for nearly a year! And I've never been rude to her. I always ask her politely to do things, and sometimes over and over while she continues to ignore me.. What a B¡†¢*!!!! I really do hate her. I wish that I believed in Karma, because I want bad things to happen to her. I realize that that is a horrible thing to say or to wish, but it's the truth.
Luckily, she works day shift and I've been moved to nights temporarily, so I only have to see her in the morning when I'm getting report. Even then, I can feel my blood pressure rise and the anger boiling up. I can't stand to see her. She's ugly and rude and a really bad "assistant." I wish she were fired because when I was a nursing assistant, I would have been fired on the spot for so many different things that she does. I need to forgive her and get over it, but I'm just not ready to. I want justice. I want consequences for her. I want her to pay for her rudeness and her poor performance. Maybe it isn't something personal, but it definitely SEEMS personal. There have been four or five other people hired since me, and she's not as rude to them, so I can't buy into the idea that it's just because I'm new.
I automatically want to say "my dad," but I've already forgiven him. I truly wish him the best, so long as I never have to see or experience him again. SO, I guess I'm going to have to say that I have to forgive BS for being a complete douchebag and for her ability to get under my skin and STAY there.. BS is someone that I work with. She's a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and I think she does a horrible job at it, and I think that she should be fired.. I've had her job before... In two different hospitals. As her job title would have you guess, her job is to assist the nurse.
The basic duties of a nursing assistant are to get vitals at pre-determined times, change beds, pass food trays, pick them up after meals, bathe patients, or set up the shower for them and clean it afterward, and to get I&Os (we count what the patients drink and how much they pee each shift -- intake and output). But those are just the basics of what is expected of them..... The things the nursing assistant plans to do during the day. There are other things that a nursing assistant should be doing, and a good assistant doesn't even have to be asked.. For example, if I am going to get a new patient, my assistant should go ahead and set up the room, help the patient get into a gown (or instruct them to if they aren't already in one), and get a set of vitals. After the scheduled vitals, the assistant should tell the nurse if something is outside of the normal range, because the nurse might not see the list right away. They should also answer the call lights, and respond appropriately, because the patient usually wants something the CNA can do for them, like bringing something to drink or helping them to the bathroom. They can remove catheters and help the nurse with procedures.
But back to BS...... She does the absolute minimum required of her. Only those basic duties. When I ask her to do something else, like get a set of vitals on a new patient or take something down the hall to someone, she flat out refuses, or worse, she'll look at me so I know she heard me and then walk away. Sometimes she'll say in the morning, "I'm not even going in that room today, so you can get the vitals and change the bed." When vitals are outside of the normal range, she won't say anything, so once, I found a child's temperature to be like 101.3 a couple of hours after the vitals were done, and so I checked it again before giving medicine and it was then 103.4... That's definitely a problem! Another issue is post-op patients.... When we get a fresh c-section, we get the vitals every thirty minutes for an hour and a half, then every hour for four hours, then every four hours for the first 24 hours. We also have to get and I&O each hour for eight hours. BS NEVER helps with that and refuses to when asked.
Also, she comes in ten to fifteen minutes late each morning, so we have to wait for her to start giving report. I doubt she punches in that late.. She probably wasting time and getting paid for it. I can't find her throughout the day. I work on a floor with L&D, Pediatrics, a Nursery and occasionally some female med/surg overflow patients. BS doesn't help at all with the L&D patients or the new babies in the nursery, but she is definitely qualified to get their vitals and feed or change the babies... So, if she's working one day that there are four post-partals (the new moms, and usually the easiest patients ever) and two older pediatric patients on the floor, her job is really fast and easy, because those patients are self-sufficient.. But I can't even find her if someone calls for her. I've found her sitting around in the "playroom" chatting with other staff members before on a few occasions. She's obviously not working, so what is she doing? Get paid to hang out with other staff who aren't doing their jobs either? WTF?!!? She could be at the desk answering the call bell or making rounds to see what she could be doing. She could be stocking rooms. She could just clock out and go home if she really has nothing to do..
I've talked to my manager about this, but she seems to just blow it off. I'm not the only nurse that has a problem with this particular CNA, but she's been there for like twenty years, so she's got some kind of immunity to being fired for sucking at her job. I just don't understand how she can get away with this. Sometimes when I work with her I'll hear her say, just loud enough that I can hear it, but not directly to me, that's she working with the "devil" today and "Where's ______ today?" over and over asking where the nurse who's place I'm taking is. Obviously I'm working for that person, but she says it just to be rude... I've heard over and over that she just doesn't like new people, but come on now.... I've been there for nearly a year! And I've never been rude to her. I always ask her politely to do things, and sometimes over and over while she continues to ignore me.. What a B¡†¢*!!!! I really do hate her. I wish that I believed in Karma, because I want bad things to happen to her. I realize that that is a horrible thing to say or to wish, but it's the truth.
Luckily, she works day shift and I've been moved to nights temporarily, so I only have to see her in the morning when I'm getting report. Even then, I can feel my blood pressure rise and the anger boiling up. I can't stand to see her. She's ugly and rude and a really bad "assistant." I wish she were fired because when I was a nursing assistant, I would have been fired on the spot for so many different things that she does. I need to forgive her and get over it, but I'm just not ready to. I want justice. I want consequences for her. I want her to pay for her rudeness and her poor performance. Maybe it isn't something personal, but it definitely SEEMS personal. There have been four or five other people hired since me, and she's not as rude to them, so I can't buy into the idea that it's just because I'm new.
Thursday, February 3
Thirty days of truth -- Day three.
Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I need to forgive myself for being depressed. I just don't feel like myself. We moved to a new state a little over a year ago and since we've come here, I haven't been happy. Now that I'm out of my element, I don't know what to do. Other than working, I spend most of my time at home on the couch surfing the internet or facebook stalking my friends. I don't laugh very often. I cause unnecessary fights in my relationship because I'm depressed. I feel bad that I take this stuff out on John because he's a great guy and it is NOT his fault. Sure, his job moved us here, but that is no excuse. Where did my attitude and sense of adventure go? Why don't I want to be out and about finding new places and experiencing the culture here? Can I ever be happy outside of Northern Michigan?
Let me just say that I've never been depressed before... I don't know how to handle this. I had so many [friends] before I moved, but now we don't talk. Why don't they return the text messages, phone calls and e-mails? Why aren't they making any effort? I think that I was in shock when I realized that most of the friendships I had in Michigan were like that. Now that I don't live just down the street, it's like our friendship never existed. I guess moving across the country really shows you who your friends are. Luckily I still have a few. Did I mention that I value relationships more than anything? Yeah, talk about a dilemma. I've made a few friends here but I'm not sure that they are going to be friendships that continue once I'm gone. My guard is definitely up because honestly, it really hurt when I realized that most of my [friends] weren't my friends at all.
The weather here also gets me down. There are virtually two seasons here: freaking HOT, or raining. It's a tropical area so it's super humid and feels like summer nearly the entire year. Last winter here, I wore a coat once. Coming from a state with four seasons and LOADS of snow, I just feel like I'm stuck. I love the color change and the snow and the smell of spring with new plant growth. You don't experience any of those things here. I cannot handle being outside in the heat for more than a half hour here in the summer, so I feel like I'm missing out there too because I'm not going to the beach, sailing, hiking and kayaking. Not that I would go in the water.... Hello, alligator and water moccasins! YIKES!!
Not to stay on the negative track, but the final thing that gets me down is that I feel so far away form everything. The last place we lived was a small town, but I feel like I had everything I needed right there. Traverse City, Michigan.... Look it up. It had shopping, many gas stations, scenic drives, perfect weather, gyms, churches, bakeries, a museum, coffee shops, butcher shops, fun little stores, an animal shelter, a downtown, a mall, a pie store, home improvement stores, three different movie theaters, many car dealerships, great restaurants and fine dining, lots of banks, skiing, the most beautiful beaches, a Coast Guard station and a really good hospital. What more could I want?
This town, Morgan City, Louisiana (look it up if you must), has nothing. There is one [fine dining] restaurant, but it's not very good. There are a couple of gas stations, a hospital, a Coast Guard station, two grocery stores, a few local banks (nothing national), and a movie theater. Anything else you want, you have to drive at least 45 minutes for. The nearest large town is an hour and a half away. I hate driving any kind of distance to get what I need. If I want to buy some new clothes, or fix my sink, or get my dog's nails clipped, or have a massage it's a 45 minute drive, minimum... One way.
I don't know. I feel depressed that I am depressed, so it's like a big viscous cycle. I need to forgive myself for it and stop beating myself up. Sometimes people go through periods of depression. It's not completely unnatural. But I hate myself for it. I think I need to go to therapy, but I can't afford it. Maybe I just need to feel like I really have a true friend here. I don't know.
In any case, I need to forgive myself for being depressed. It's a major point of stress for me.
I need to forgive myself for being depressed. I just don't feel like myself. We moved to a new state a little over a year ago and since we've come here, I haven't been happy. Now that I'm out of my element, I don't know what to do. Other than working, I spend most of my time at home on the couch surfing the internet or facebook stalking my friends. I don't laugh very often. I cause unnecessary fights in my relationship because I'm depressed. I feel bad that I take this stuff out on John because he's a great guy and it is NOT his fault. Sure, his job moved us here, but that is no excuse. Where did my attitude and sense of adventure go? Why don't I want to be out and about finding new places and experiencing the culture here? Can I ever be happy outside of Northern Michigan?
Let me just say that I've never been depressed before... I don't know how to handle this. I had so many [friends] before I moved, but now we don't talk. Why don't they return the text messages, phone calls and e-mails? Why aren't they making any effort? I think that I was in shock when I realized that most of the friendships I had in Michigan were like that. Now that I don't live just down the street, it's like our friendship never existed. I guess moving across the country really shows you who your friends are. Luckily I still have a few. Did I mention that I value relationships more than anything? Yeah, talk about a dilemma. I've made a few friends here but I'm not sure that they are going to be friendships that continue once I'm gone. My guard is definitely up because honestly, it really hurt when I realized that most of my [friends] weren't my friends at all.
The weather here also gets me down. There are virtually two seasons here: freaking HOT, or raining. It's a tropical area so it's super humid and feels like summer nearly the entire year. Last winter here, I wore a coat once. Coming from a state with four seasons and LOADS of snow, I just feel like I'm stuck. I love the color change and the snow and the smell of spring with new plant growth. You don't experience any of those things here. I cannot handle being outside in the heat for more than a half hour here in the summer, so I feel like I'm missing out there too because I'm not going to the beach, sailing, hiking and kayaking. Not that I would go in the water.... Hello, alligator and water moccasins! YIKES!!
Not to stay on the negative track, but the final thing that gets me down is that I feel so far away form everything. The last place we lived was a small town, but I feel like I had everything I needed right there. Traverse City, Michigan.... Look it up. It had shopping, many gas stations, scenic drives, perfect weather, gyms, churches, bakeries, a museum, coffee shops, butcher shops, fun little stores, an animal shelter, a downtown, a mall, a pie store, home improvement stores, three different movie theaters, many car dealerships, great restaurants and fine dining, lots of banks, skiing, the most beautiful beaches, a Coast Guard station and a really good hospital. What more could I want?
This town, Morgan City, Louisiana (look it up if you must), has nothing. There is one [fine dining] restaurant, but it's not very good. There are a couple of gas stations, a hospital, a Coast Guard station, two grocery stores, a few local banks (nothing national), and a movie theater. Anything else you want, you have to drive at least 45 minutes for. The nearest large town is an hour and a half away. I hate driving any kind of distance to get what I need. If I want to buy some new clothes, or fix my sink, or get my dog's nails clipped, or have a massage it's a 45 minute drive, minimum... One way.
I don't know. I feel depressed that I am depressed, so it's like a big viscous cycle. I need to forgive myself for it and stop beating myself up. Sometimes people go through periods of depression. It's not completely unnatural. But I hate myself for it. I think I need to go to therapy, but I can't afford it. Maybe I just need to feel like I really have a true friend here. I don't know.
In any case, I need to forgive myself for being depressed. It's a major point of stress for me.
Wednesday, February 2
Thirty days of truth -- Day two.
Something you love about yourself.
I love a lot of things about myself. I love that I'm independent and self sufficient. I love that no matter how hard I push myself physically, my body forgives me. I love that I have no secrets. I love my seemingly unending patience and how I never let the little things get me upset. I love my ability to forgive easily. I love that I can find the positive in any situation. I love that I'm usually able to talk people down when they're super upset about something or screaming at me. I love that I value people and relationships over possessions. I love that I still set goals. I love that I am honest, even if it is "to a fault." I love that I show people grace. I love that I've shared my life with some of the greatest girls around and that they've made me a stronger person. I love that I don't swear. I love that I take criticism well. I love that no matter how bad I feel, my dog can cheer me up. I love that I learn things easily. I love that I've found someone who balances me out and makes me feel complete (as corny as that sounds). I love that I take care of my body. I love my attitude. I love that I love to be outside. I love the healing powers that I can experience in a day at the beach. I love that I can get a tan within fifteen minutes of being outside. I love being Italian. I love that I am able to stay calm and hold my tongue when people yell at me about trivial things. I love that I no longer allow people to walk all over me. I love that I'm loyal. I love that I make friends easily. I love that I treat others the way I want to be treated. I love that I'm good at my job. I love that I believe in myself. I love that I value quality time. I love that I put a lot of effort into my relationships. I love that I've overcome the odds. I love that I have never allowed the past to dictate who I am. I love the person I've become. =)
Tuesday, February 1
Thirty days of truth -- Day one.
Something you hate about yourself.
There are so many things that I hate about myself that I really can't narrow it down to just one..... I hate that I'm so sad living outside of Northern Michigan. I hate that I'm so short. I hate that my hair never cooperates with me. I hate that I don't get to see my sisters everyday. I hate that I hate BS (a person). I hate that I only have energy when I'm with other people. I hate that I'm not as confident as I want to be. I hate that I spend so much time on the couch. I hate that I would rather experience things through other people (like in books or on TV) than for myself. I hate that I am SO EXCITED to get married, but have no motivation to plan my wedding. I hate that I have a black thumb and that plants die if I try to do anything to them. I hate that I am plagued by my thoughts and cannot sleep at night because my brain won't shut off. I hate that my teeth aren't straight. I hate that I'm so superficial. I hate that I'm such a horrible cook. I hate that I can't remember my past. I hate that I took all of my family members for granted when they were still in my life. I hate that I have so much resentment. I hate that I'm so quick to forgive others and to show them grace, but never show myself the same kindness. I hate my body. I hate that I don't have the motivation to go to the gym as often as I did last year. I hate that I don't remember basic things that I learned in school, like why we went to war and with whom. I hate that I don't care about world events and would rather gossip and talk about superficial things that no one else cares about. I hate that I never talk about how I really feel because I don't want other people to see that I'm weak and vulnerable. I hate that I have no energy. I hate being depressed. I hate that I'm a perfectionist, because I'm never going to be perfect at anything and it's a constant source of frustration. I hate that I hate so many things about myself.
There are so many things that I hate about myself that I really can't narrow it down to just one..... I hate that I'm so sad living outside of Northern Michigan. I hate that I'm so short. I hate that my hair never cooperates with me. I hate that I don't get to see my sisters everyday. I hate that I hate BS (a person). I hate that I only have energy when I'm with other people. I hate that I'm not as confident as I want to be. I hate that I spend so much time on the couch. I hate that I would rather experience things through other people (like in books or on TV) than for myself. I hate that I am SO EXCITED to get married, but have no motivation to plan my wedding. I hate that I have a black thumb and that plants die if I try to do anything to them. I hate that I am plagued by my thoughts and cannot sleep at night because my brain won't shut off. I hate that my teeth aren't straight. I hate that I'm so superficial. I hate that I'm such a horrible cook. I hate that I can't remember my past. I hate that I took all of my family members for granted when they were still in my life. I hate that I have so much resentment. I hate that I'm so quick to forgive others and to show them grace, but never show myself the same kindness. I hate my body. I hate that I don't have the motivation to go to the gym as often as I did last year. I hate that I don't remember basic things that I learned in school, like why we went to war and with whom. I hate that I don't care about world events and would rather gossip and talk about superficial things that no one else cares about. I hate that I never talk about how I really feel because I don't want other people to see that I'm weak and vulnerable. I hate that I have no energy. I hate being depressed. I hate that I'm a perfectionist, because I'm never going to be perfect at anything and it's a constant source of frustration. I hate that I hate so many things about myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)